I keep being reminded that this life isn’t about me. I am here to live a life that will mirror the plan God has laid out and provide a road map for others.

A cup of tea on a hot day, a slice of bread for breakfast, a slice of homemade cake and a scoop of homemade vegan ice-cream and the list goes on. I have tried many different diets over the years and lifestyles and there are things I like and things I don’t like. I have tried some foods and gagged and tried others and been on the wings of angels. How then do I share a road map with others? How do I help others on the path? Quite simple, be honest about the journey.

You don’t know how much you know until you meet someone who doesn’t – Wanjiku Lucia Mugo

I had some amazing conversations in the last few weeks that made it clear that I have something to share. The thing that is standing out for me is how for so long my life looked rosy on the outside yet it was so broken on the inside. How hard it was to explain to people how vulnerable I was yet they needed me strong and solid. I looked like I was drawing strength from my faith but it stopped working when things weren’t panning out as I planned and prayed they would. Then it all came crashing down. In my early thirties, it all fell apart when I realised just how unhappy I was and how unskilled I was to deal with it.

My faith as I had always practised it imploded and I needed another rudder in life.

In time I found one and it is a deep relationship with God that is outside the structure of religious practise. I stopped going to church and fellowship and dared God to show up and build a relationship with me outside these structure. I dared Him to connect with me, as I am where I am in a way I could understand and boy has he done it! I know many would say that God isn’t at my beck and call, but I found that when He hears a heartfelt cry for Him, He makes it happen. He made it possible in ways I didn’t even know before and my faith begun building. Note the faith was building not rebuilding because there was no foundation left from the implosion…nothing made it through.

Our relationship is very interesting. It is leaning on a pillar and being pleasantly surprised it is so solid. It is being brutally honest without fear of being destroyed. It is understanding that I don’t know it all but He is patient enough to teach me what I need to know. It is understanding love on a new and deeper level

I learnt to listen to the inner voice and ask questions; to read scripture and find deeper meaning in the word; to pray as simply as I breath rather than have all the ceremony I had known; to fast things that mean something and not the things I wouldn’t miss; to share openly with my people and my village and grow together.

This new place also took a lot of unlearning.

To become healthy, I had to unlearn many things, shift things, realign things. What did I unlearn?

• Routines of how services and prayer times should run
• Concepts of who God is and how he deals with people
• Rules and regulations
• Culture and tradition that didn’t really add value to my walk with God
• The belief that God is a policeman waiting for me to fall then he can beat me into submission
• Fear of failure and being disowned for falling short
• Conditional love that led to judgment and legalism

What did I learn in its place?

• The unconditional love of a father
• The love of real family
• To love me and choose me first every time
• To sit still and mediate
• To have honest conversations with God about how it is

If you have never known the catastrophic failure of the faith you have and rebuilding of the same, in some ways…it is quite likely that you  haven’t really lived.