Imagine my surprise

My sister told me how much she had admired me through the years

She noticed this girl who liked to sit at the back

The one who smiled a lot and spoke to a few

The one who wore long colourful dresses,

The African outfits, the short hair, the flat shoes

—

The girl who was calm and unfazed

The one who never seemed to struggle

The one able to share her heart in public

The one who was walking with God

The one whose life was telling a story

—

She wondered how it all flowed with such ease

She wondered how I looked so well and put together

Apparently the grace of my step was eye catching

The strength of my stride purposeful

An example to follow, a life to emulate

—

Yet I was broken, torn apart, finished

I could barely get out of bed daily without begging God for grace

I felt invisible, unseen, unloved

I was struggling to keep the smile real

I was living in the heart of foolish rage

—

I was floundering in my internal walk

I was flailing in the raging waters that was my life

I was drowning in insecurity

I couldn’t see the end of my nose

There was only pain, more pain and then some

—

I knew the truth of my heart

I saw my actions against His word

I feared that God would smite me

I was terrified that if He judged me I would die

I knew that if I died I’d go straight to hell

—

But He didn’t forget me

He didn’t leave me alone

Even when it didn’t make sense

He was at work in me

I just couldn’t see it yet

—

God used my life to speak hope to another

He covered my heartbreak and emptiness

He told a story with me I didn’t know

He encouraged a sister as she watched me

He did His own thing with my life

—

I don’t understand it fully

I marvel every time I think about it

I wonder how much further we could have gone

I ponder the path I have walked

I meditate on His work and word

—

Am I fully aware of my place in Him?

Am I growing at the right pace?

Am I becoming intentionally?

Is He my all in all?

Could we have been further than we are?

—

I therefore choose to

Listen to His voice more closely

Walk with Him more intimately

Talk to Him more openly

Sit with Him totally intentionally

—

I now pause every day, sip my coffee and listen

He speaks deeply of love and commitment

He demonstrates vividly conversation and compassion

He teaches me intimately about communion and oneness

He alone is my desire, the longing of my heart

My love, my best friend, my heart, my healer

My redeemer, my strong tower, my  power, my song

He has indeed become my ONLY SALVATION