I have a friend who has been trying to get to know me, but I’m scared and have held back, she said
I do not know.
Yes, you do,
No, I don’t
Yes, you do.
How are you so sure?
If we all allow ourselves to look deeply, we always see our truth but our minds avoid it because we’re scared we’ll see something we don’t like.
But I like my life as it is.
What do you like about it?
I am alive, I have work, I have people around me, I can meet my needs.
What about deeper things?
Do you believe that people can care for you just because they care?
As in, interested in me because of me?
People always want something. No one is around you just because they want to be around you. They want something in return…information, money, status, contacts, insight, whatever else they could want but never just because!
I have had this conversation often with different people and it always ends with a long soliloquy of how “many are like that and I could demonstrate it well.” However, recently this personal question in the silence of my heart triggered deep reflection on the truth of who I am.
When you have always been available, reachable and open to taking up assignments for people, it is easy to be taken like furniture…always there and steady. We never wonder if the chair, bed, stool or even the stairs will take our weight. We just sit on, lie down, toss and turn, or climb up the piece without thought of breaking.
Then one day it all shatters.
One day you are either unable or unwilling to continue in that way of life and others look at you in shock. You say no and they look, sound and act confused. You don’t show up and they call more upset that you foiled their plans and comfort than concerned about why you didn’t go.
They sit in meetings and conversations, decide on courses of action, assign you a role outside you scope of knowledge and say she or he will figure it out. You ask for something and two minutes later it’s forgotten and when you ask, a shrug is the explanation followed by a promise to do better next time as if you don’t need that thing now.
In time you lose faith that anyone will prioritise you, for you.
It is entirely possible that how people see us is different from our own perspective. A dear friend has always asked if I slept well and I always assumed it was those usual questions until he changed the question to, how many hours did you sleep or did you feel fresh when you woke up, of are you rested or is you system working at full throttle?
“What is it to you?” I asked. “Why are you bothered?”
His response blew my mind…”Because I care.”
“What? Why do you care? How does it help you?”
He was silent for a long moment then asked, “do I need a reason to care for you?”
My honest answer, said in my mind, “Yes!” My verbal answer, “I don’t know!”
Am I important enough that others think of me?
It has been a learning curve that whether I believe it or not, there are people who love or care for me just because! These special people do not need a reason to, neither will they be running for the hills when I hit a roadblock or lay down in the road crying. Neither will they take off with the goodies when I hit the jackpot.
These are my people, they love me and I love them so no more holding my breath when they are around. I will breath easy and rest in the knowledge that Divine design has me covered and connected to the people who will ensure that my life is on track to the praise of His glorious name.