The last couple of days have been challenging with a combination of flu and lots of work. Several days I didn’t even have an appetite but ate because of medication and the need to keep going. I even resorted to adding sips of energy drinks to my life for the energy boost I needed. What struck me the most is that all I needed was a sip here and a sip there to get through; a 250ml bottle takes me more than 24 hours. Crazy right? But that isn’t the story here.

I have an additional coach who is just as committed as my other one. I have wondered why God would allow two people to come in and just offer to push me as if one isn’t enough. Anyway…I digress. She is super fit by all standards and has nothing to lose or so I thought yet is an encouragement to me of overcoming adversity and physical challenges. A few years ago she tore a tendon totally and was told she would never get back on the fitness path again. Many of us would take that as permission to give up and lie down, yet not her. It has been a long journey but she is fitter and more active today than before the injury and is back to wearing her heels. I am encouraged to own the space I find myself in.

Last weekend I spent time with a wonderful group of high school students discussing media and its impact. In the middle of sharing it hit me between the eyes that my issues with my body began a long time ago because the booksI was reading presented a certain type of woman as the perfect image. Well, it didn’t say outright that this is the perfect woman but there was a reference to certain measurements. dimensions and shapes that were appreciated and I was those dimensions in class six so you can image that shortly after as I continued to grow I passed the beautiful size and so begun the silent journey and internal battle of I am not good enough.

No one external told me I was big in fact, I remember the boys around me staring until I begun wearing long skirts to cover up and avoid the attention. As I grew older I would attract attention and it would make me feel uncomfortable and that I need to change things about my body so they stop staring. It is only recently that I have realised that they aren’t staring (yes they still do) because I was garishly fat, it was because there was and still is beauty to observe, cleverly placed there by God.

I had judged the situation and taken a position about myself, stamped and sealed it as final and then moved forward with a false perspective. On the outside I was cool and confident but on the inside I was always working on getting and staying a certain kind of small so I could be and remain beautiful. As I have undergone the last ninety seven days of fitness, one of the exercises has been to look at myself. I have looked at myself in the mirror…really looked and begun to see the beautiful girl God created, somewhat shy at times, with a big smile and beautiful curves. I haven’t lost loads of weight…just 2.4kg and several inches yet I love me as I am. I see me as different; I believe God’s word over me.

You see, I have finally understood, just under thirty years later, that I am beautiful because God has said so. Period!!! No other reason needed.

He couldn’t be out of his mind when he ‘…formed my inward parts; HE covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise Him, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are His works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from Him, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. His eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in His book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.’ Ps 139:13-16 NKJV (Paraphrase is mine)

Love who He created you to be…Embrace His plan for you.

There are times in life that things go diametrically different from our plans. I remember being in high school and failing harder than I ever had in my whole life before then and also after then. It didn’t matter how much I read, I failed. I had a D average for a couple of terms even after free marks in every class. My math teacher gave me a mark for every step of the question and I still had 16% in each paper so the average was 16%. So D average for several terms miraculously became a B- average and I went straight to university.

I had told God…mark my words…I told him and didn’t ask him. I said that on no uncertain terms would I go to pre-university. I didn’t make a grade for direct entrance I would learn a trade and pursue it. I wonder if my folks would have allowed that! Mmmmhhhh!

The poor grades had a massive impact on my sense of self and I struggled to prove to myself that I wasn’t foolish. Yes, I had begun to feel foolish with every failed exam. At the end of the day, it is another friend in university who helped me get past this sense of failure by believing in me and loving out of the despair.

Over the years as the despair would resurface when projects or life just isn’t working, this very friend would say things that made me mad enough with the way I had responded to force action and movement forward.

I now know that this person is my trigger person. They have license to tell me the truth whether or not I like it and stand there until they are sure I understand that it is love that drives them and not a mean spirit. I have come to understand that I don’t really have the depth and breadth of the latitude with them that they have with but that again is by divine design.

So it gets me thinking, what are we doing about the times in our lives when things aren’t working and we cannot see the way forward? Will we whine and complain or will we seek guidance and understanding for the depth, length and breadth of the situation.

It is better to understand that God has a plan that we cannot thwart and no lesson is wasted. How do I know? Quite simply! Romans 5:1-5 says “Faith Triumphs in Trouble”.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have[a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Tribulation, struggle, challenge, hardships etc, pull or push us into the place of deeper engagement with God and a deeper expression of Him as long as it is the appointed path for us. I  have learnt to celebrate everything because it is how I will grow deeper and fuller into Him who thought of me before the foundations of the earth to honour him.