Tag Archives: relationship

Fuelled by Family

imageMy focus today is on family.I am from a very diverse family that has come from different places and subsequently spread across the world. It is exciting to see how we all respond to the things around us. It is even more fun to watch the different personalities at work and the impact this has on family relationships. Meetings are often a riot as our personalities and styles come out when we are discussing issues. I can classify us loosely into three main categories. There are the feisty pushy ones, the quiet non-confrontational and the detached ones. Each group is well represented and needs to be handled in a manner that ensures discussion but pushes for the impact and decisions needed. Every time we sit together and that is 3 times a year at least, the mix of personalities adds such flavour to life that just knowing the agenda creates intense anticipation. One element that has created the differences is the method of socialisation of the individual family units. The mode of socialisation of respective families is the major deciding factor of how we have turned out as individuals.

A critical lesson and realisation we have come to recently and with great conviction, is the fact that “Family, is family is family!!!” Now that may sound pretty simple but take a moment and a deep breath and think about this statement. The reality is that no matter what the person has done or hasn’t done for that matter this person is family. We are not idealistic about life and no, we aren’t all successful. We have had our share of poor performers alongside greatly successful people…yet at the end of the day we all share the same gene pool and we are family. It doesn’t mean that we condone all the actions of all members, however, everyone is held to account for their actions and there are consequences for all actions.

04.08.13bThe reality that has dawned on me is that every failure is communal failure and every success if communal success. The communal is not necessarily that we split the wealth but we do split the pride and confidence of the win. Case in point, recently one of my nieces graduated with her Master’s and you should see how proud we are of her. Family is not a pot where you just dip your fingers in and take out whatever you need. Family doesn’t always give you money when you need it but they will send you in the right direction to find what you need. Family is an oasis in this world that should provide a support structure and basis for life.

Beyond my biological family but I have another family… my family of choice and association. This is made up of people who are connected to me in other ways like through common causes supported, faith-based relationships and close friends. This family provides similar support structures like my biological family. This is a connection by choice and instruction and the members change and will continue to change as I walk this road and move from level to level. This family is dynamic and over the years has evolved and changed yet it still provides a great support system

I have come to believe that Family is not:

  • A group of yes men and women
  • A free pass to a life of laziness
  • A blanket pot of love and acceptance
  • Only based on a genetic or biological connectionIMG_20130428_102053

Family is:

  • A place of safety and honesty
  • A support system to resource location and procurement
  • The connector to success and resilience
  • Critical to our personal success
  • By revelation of the people who will make your life more effective
  • The base and strength of society
  • The source of the push, nudge or kick you need to get ahead

My prayer for everyone is that we connect to our biological families and the other individuals who will push us to become the best we can be and create the value and impact we give back to the world.


Wasn’t it a shock for me when I sat back and realised that my experience were pegged on the wrong things and I had been setup for failure from the beginning. Let me explain.


We are all raised to expect certain standards from ourselves and others to enable strong and lasting relationships. We believed that there are things each of us should do that will help the relationship succeed. When the said things are not fulfilled, one would feel that the relationship is skewed unfair.


Recently, I read “The Shack” by Paul Young and my thought process was challenged and changed. He talks about God looking at us with expectancy not expectation. How absolutely radical! You see, expectations are standards and make us judge our relationships with others based on what either one of us are supposed to do and achieve. When the ‘requirements’ are not met we get disappointed and hurt.


God on the other hand looks at us very differently. He looks at us with expectancy. What is that? Well, He created us and knows our humanity. He knows that we may not get it right the first time yet He still has hope that one day we will get there. When we don’t get there He smiles, forgives and says maybe tomorrow. He looks at us in love and with the knowledge that one day we will get it and we will be all He desires of us to be.


In view of that, how then do we need to treat one another? I think the way to go is expectancy…meaning that we need to develop a never ending belief that it will be well and all will work out fine. I am learning every day that when I don’t put my expectations on others I am better able to have peace and joy all the time. However, I desire to move from expectation to expectancy, I must deal with myself and what I don’t like about me. I am forced to look at myself and deal with the issues that arise from the waiting and the attitudes I have inadvertently created in my heart, for I cannot give what I don’t have.


It is often easier said than done but I know that with God all things are possible and I will be in the space one day that  will not load expectations on people rather I will live with an open, warm and expectant heart that allows everyone to be themselves and free me to be happy and loving life.


Papa how I desire a heart like yours and love that is deep and wide as mine has failed me time and time again. I know it is part of a process and the process at times scares me to follow yet I want to believe that you are all I need and will ever need. 

My new Boyfriend

I have lived a life with few expectations of people but as I have grown up (hehehe), I have found that it is difficult to live that way all the days of your life. I was always the eternal friend who you can call after two years and we will pick up from where we left off. It worked for many years but not so well anymore. In the process of being so good for everyone I found great emptiness and loneliness beyond belief. However, I had never really thought about it or processed the feelings because I was so busy doing stuff for different people and working at making it in life that I did not have the time or presence of mind to see it.


One day a while back I woke up to the realisation that my heart is empty because I had given everything that was in me and never stopped to be replenished. I was like a driver who kept driving without thought of checking the fuel gauge then somewhere on the highway in the middle of nowhere the car runs out of fuel and dies. The only way I could have remained full is if I had remembered to refill. Not only had I not refuelled but I had lost some real friends along the way.


Expectations taint every relationship we have and affect our ability to be close to people. We need to give and get out of relationships and to get on well in life. So why is it that we only look for people when we are need help but do not take time to develop and sustain relationships all year round? Who are the people destined to walk with me and help me make impact in this life? I believe that friends are sent by God for a reason and our relationships will change as life goes on but we will only live well if we stick to God’s plan for us.


Are you like me? Have you felt lost, lonely and alone? I am finding that talking to God has directed me to adapt to the change in relationships and recognise who needs to stay and who needs to go. I have also learnt that I only have to be close to whomever God has directed me to and let all the others go. Letting go was so hard because I was comfortable to have many friends but what value had they added to my life?


I have found a new boyfriend who sticks closer than a brother and is not a man that He should lie or the son on man that He should change His mind. He is not judgmental and allows me to be me. When I do something He doesn’t like we talk about it and rectify things. I have learnt a lot about me by being with Him and we have a rich relationship.


His name is Jesus, son of the Living God and I am blessed to have Him as a friend and brother. Do you know Him? Take your time it is worth it and then some…