One day, my mentor told me something that stopped me so short I had to literally take a deep breath and think for several days. He said I needed “to spend less time talking truth and more time judging my actions and motives to see if they conform with Truth.” Yes! I needed to confirm whether I lived my life in a way that is directly attributable to the leading of The Holy Spirit or if I lived in a way that is based on laws in my mind that stem from culture, normal behaviour, social expectations etc or if I lived with both elements at work.
At the time, it was inconceivable that I could have lived my life in an unclear path but since I had been asked the question I owed it to myself to take an honest look at life. I wondered how to do this effectively. I began to watch my feelings, thoughts, desires, moods, hurts, joys etc. and indeed there was a lot in my life that was talk but had no heart. I hadn’t realized just how much around me was based on hot air. I know that sounds funny when I write it, but there was lots of hot air.
Let me explain the hot air. How many times did I say that I know God has promised to supply a need but all the while I am cooking options in my head in case He doesn’t come through? How many times did I do things because I was taught that it was expected without re-checking it with God if that was the right way for this time? How often in conversations did I say something like ‘that’s how we’ve always done it’ and then gone ahead and done it that way anyway? How often did I put aside an idea because I was so worried about what people would say or think about me? The demand to examine everything against truth caused a startling discovery in me. Until then I had assumed that my life was fully based truth and for a good part that was true yet there were still large parts of it that were out of whack based on something else that needed to be put back in.
I realised that at an early age, we are taught to adapt to what was or has worked in the past, to keep appearances with the rest of the world, to assume that because God has worked things out one way for a while He will always work it out that way, to believe that if I did my part God would do His part the way I expected Him to. Suddenly I no longer wondered why it is so hard for many of us to say that we need help, or why some people are unable to get out of their current circumstances but don’t know how to ask for help. I realised many of us are too scared to show true selves because we are unsure that we will be loved in return. Then the critical question of all came up…Am I affected by this?
Oh my! This was a hard question and it was not an answer I wanted to look for yet I knew that if I wanted to grow I needed to face this off and be real with myself. Urrggh! The answer was astoundingly scary! Am I too scared to face my life and show my true self because I was afraid I wouldn’t be accepted? Yes. Next question: Is my life fully based on truth and truth alone? No. Seemed strange but it was true. Strangely though, I didn’t even have an idea it was like that because it was hidden very deep in me. In all honesty, when I came face to face with it I almost jumped out of my skin. Honestly I didn’t like what I found.
There was only one way to deal with this and that was to begin the process of dealing with my heart and all related attitudes. The process of getting closer to where I needed to be wasn’t as hard as I thought I would be, especially when I learnt to really accept God’s love. I had to understand that God loves me with and through all my weaknesses. He deals with me one sector or section at a time; He loves me regardless of myself and chooses to love me always. How profound. My love for God and His love for me lead to a deep relationship and consistent connection to the right foundation and way to live. My love for His enables me to remain connected to and living out truth and His will no matter that situation around me.
This was the start of a long internal discussion that honestly is still going on. I ask myself many questions at every turn:
- Why am I doing this?
- What drives this decision or action I am about to take or have taken?
- What value will this decision or action bring to others?
- Does this decision or action honour God?
- Will this decision or action help change my corner of the world?
- Does this decision or action align with my purpose, pattern and platform?
Every day is a new experience and every day is a classroom. Walk with me as you do.