Hi. How are you?
I’m so sorry I never made it to your brother’s memorial.
Well, I admit I looked out for you and was disappointed but what to do?
I’ve been feeling so guilty and was hiding.
Because I was scared you would be mad at me.
Well, I promised you I would be there, you were counting on it and then I didn’t make it or explain why I didn’t make it.
Ok, granted I probably wanted to curse you out that day and for a few weeks after that but I eventually got over it. You know, guilt is a bad thing…don’t let it bite.
How don’t I let it bite when it is something that is so real?
Well, we all need to find ways to deal with it
We? What are you working though
Oh, so many things you know…
Related to what?
My brother, my friends, my family, work…everything really.
How? You seem to have it all together and as far as I know you do everything on time
Girl I am no saint. There are days I goof off and make mistakes and have to work through the consequences.
I was talking with Daddy the other day and telling him how I was so sad that some of the last things I said to Jimmy weren’t the best things to say to someone.
Wow….What did you say?
Jimmy and I always fought for everything. I chalked it up to that is what happens when you are so close in age. I was always the more uptight and controlling of the two of us so I liked having everything in order. A few months ago, he showed up on my door step at two in the morning, asking for a place to sleep.
Well, how is that a problem?
He had made a scene downstairs, cursed out the security guards and actually hit my neighbours car.
Yup! When he said he was my brother the guards tried to call me but I didn’t pick up because my phones were all on silent so I could sleep. Suffice it to say they ended up on my door step ringing my bell till I woke up as had all my neighbours because he was making another scene. I let him in because I just wanted to get back to bed fully intending to sort things out in the morning.
By the time I woke up he was passed out on the couch. My kitchen was a mess, my fridge was raided and my favourite centrepiece on the table broken. I waited for him to get up but he slept through till almost 3pm. I was so mad because I had guests coming at 6pm so I needed to clean up and set up everything.
I didn’t let him explain what happened or why he ended up in my house at that hour. I was so mad I told him that at times I wished he would just get out of my life and stay out. His jaw dropped and he simply picked his stuff and left. I went on with life and entertained my ‘worthy’ guests. Now he is gone for good and I wish he was here to make me mad.
Did you get to apologise?
I tried to call him later but he never picked my calls for three weeks so I sent him a text to apologise. However, I will never know if he read it or not.
I sent it the day we were told he fell and hit his head
What time did he fall?
I don’t really want to know because that will confirm whether or not he read my text and I can’t really deal with him not knowing that I was sorry.
How come you were so nasty to him in the first place?
I was too proud. To me, his bad behaviour was a shame to the family and my otherwise spotless image. I didn’t want people to know I had a screw-up or a brother.
Why didn’t you send the text earlier?
I wanted to say I am sorry to him and text seemed to be an escape. I also didn’t want to be the one to eat humble pie and say sorry first because I believed he owed me an apology.
Yup! Now I don’t know if my brother knew I was sorry for being so mad at him
How are you dealing with it?
One day at a time. I am asking God to help me and working through the guilt.
Now I see…
Why you were saying that guilt is a bad thing.
It is a very bad thing that we must avoid at all costs.
Isn’t it just another part of life?
I am beginning to think that it has become a part of life that should never have been accepted as part of life from the start.
Are there people you have turned away because they don’t fit into your ‘perfect’ picture of life?
Who said your perfect picture is indeed God’s perfect picture?
Are you living by a list of do’s and don’t’s?
Extend grace, love and forgiveness remember that you too have your faults and God gave you a chance. Ask God how to deal with everyone who comes your way and deal with them only that way.