Monthly Archives: February 2016

In a Blink…..

There are days when I just want to hit Carol because she seems to say everything she thinks without a filter. Even as I think this I too had a time when I had no filter so I can’t really stand there and….thank God her phone has rang and she has left the table…



Hi Carol, where are you?

Why Betz?

Just asking

Hahaha….you never just ask you know

Well, I always know something before I ask



What do you know now that you have asked?

Well, I know you are sitting with people we would rather you didn’t sit with


Like who?

That Sue chic….

What did you say?

I know you are sitting with that Sue chic

IMG_20151209_064614And is that a crime?

Well, it could be if you wanted to keep your name clean

Keep my name clean?

Of course…you don’t want people thinking that you are also in that camp

What camp?

The one of leaving people in the thick of issues

I’m not even dating how can I join that camp?

By association!

Association with who?

Her kind

What is that kind?

The kind who walk out on their families and open the door for people to suffer

Where did you hear that from?

Oh well…here and there

Who in particular?

Does it matter?

Yes it does


How did we know that the story we heard was true?

It came from the women in the women’s fellowship at church

Did anyone talk to either party before they started peddling this story?

Eish…wait a minute…what is this about? Are you saying we are lying?

Are you?

How would I know?

How would you know if you are lying? Simple…how did we get this information and did we verify it?

Did you verify what you heard?

No I didn’t and now it is bothering me!

Why would it bother you and we’re not talking about you?

Simple, we are talking about someone’s life. Right?

Oh I know but I trust my sources.

Sadly I don’t.

What? Why?

I had the chance to meet one of the other people we had been discussing and I have found out what we know isn’t the truth by a long shot

Who did you meet?

Right now it doesn’t matter…what matters is that we are being bad to people and there is way to verify what is being said as right or wrong.

I told you this information came from the leaders of the women’s ministry at church

True…but who told them? Did they talk to the people in question? Did they go to pray with them before the fall out? Was any intervention done for them when things went south?


Yes, really!!!

Why the Spanish inquisition?

IMG_20151209_064536Because I have just been proven wrong on more than one count of things I have heard and reported to others and now I feel like a rumourmongerer.



You are telling me that this one count of finding out we are wrong is making you question everything we have said in the past?


Isn’t that extreme?

Maybe but how many other times have we been wrong and discounted people’s cries for help?


Yes, seriously.

So what do you want to do about it?

I don’t know…

So why think about it?

Because I need to find peace and balance in my life!

For real?

Yes, for real.

What is out of balance?

I need to know why we are so hard and judgemental when we deal with people.

It is simple…God has given us a set of rules to live buy and any of us who don’t live by them are guilty of sin.

God gave us as set of rules? What are the rules?

We do not drink, smoke, associate with sinners and all those other things.

Is that all?

IMG_20151209_064545Of course not! We give to the poor.

We are all about faith, so when was the last time we shared the gospel of salvation or led someone to Christ? Do our lives reflect our faith and attract people to a personal relationship with God?

How would I know? Only God knows how many people have come to him because of our witness.

That is what bothers me the most because I need to know that I am having impact in life

Eish…who have you been talking to? Has that Jean chic turned you aginst the very people who have stood with you and walked with you through all the past challenges? Take care lest you destroy bridges you will need soon

With that, Betz hang up


Facing Herself

There was a moment of silence at the table as Jean and Carol stared at each other, finally, Carol calmed down and Jean turned to Sue

But what happened to make you leave?

I had to make a choice, either remain, go mad and possibly die or leave, find myself in God then figure how to rebuild my family.

How did you get there?

Well, when I look back, my bad behaviour begun a long time ago.

You see…I told you it was here fault. Carol jumped in

Carol, one more snide comment and you will leave this table. Go on Sue.

When I was young I learnt that if I threw tantrums I could get what I wanted from anyone and no one ever said no to me. I made the point to note anyone who would not bow to my demands and made them so miserable that they either left or did what I wanted. I was called persuasive and a go-getter but in reality, I was a manipulative spoiled brat. I set my eyes on Bob when I was in high school and he had no peace or hope to avoid me.


Well, I knew his cousin and so I quickly found out what he wanted in a woman and became that. I was meek and polite but I silently manoeuvred and manipulated him.

Carol rolled her eyes and was about to say something when Jean looked up…

Psshhh…not a word Carol….go on Sue

I was so used to manipulating everyone that I didn’t realise how many people I had hurt. When the twins arrived, I couldn’t deal with them because I couldn’t manipulate them. My mother kept telling me to train them but how could I train them when I was off the hook untrained? I couldn’t keep nannies so the house was full of strife. The pressure eventually broke me and one day I took it out on my boss.


Yup…I said some nasty things and quit my job in a huff expecting I would go out and get another job.

Did it work out?

Not at all! When I got home and told Bob about it, he lost his temper for the first time in the fifteen years and gave me an earful and then some. At the end of the discussion I was sulking and he was angry and it went downhill from there. I had never thought about money so in a few weeks I was broke and Bob wouldn’t give me money if couldn’t account for it. I sent out my resume to places but nothing came through. My life fell apart because of my behaviour but I couldn’t see it.

You couldn’t see it?

Of course not! All my life I had blamed others. Someone else did this or that or didn’t do this or that or said this or that or didn’t say this or that…the list was endless and no one told me otherwise.

What made you realise your part in it?

I didn’t realise my part for a long time because I was angry at the world.


No one was checking on or talking to me…they all went on with their lives.

No one checked on you at all?

Well, there was a neighbour who came every week but all she wanted to do was pray and I wasn’t into that kind of stuff.

How can you say that and you were a Christian?

Well, I was a Christian in name not practice. I was raised in a Christian home, I went to church, did bible study but it hadn’t changed me.


Well, what had God done for me till then? How had he helped my life?

He gave you life every day…wasn’t that enough?

At that point, I figured I had life because I ate well and took care of my body not because of God. Instead, I went on a rant and rave and got into so many things I’d rather not talk about trying to deal with the pain. It was all useless yet now I see that God allowed it to fall apart so I had to make peace with him.

So what happened?

I got angrier and we fought more daily since fighting was the only leverage and control I had. Eventually, Bob’s mum moved in to help with the twins because no nanny would stay. She slowly took over the running of the home and I got angrier. I gave Bob an ultimatum of me and the kids or his mum.

Wow…what did he do?

He changed the ultimatum to me and the kids or his mum and the kids then chose his mum and the kids.


Now I know that it was for my good but that day I lost it and I picked a knife to stab him. He stood there unflinching and said, “Go ahead if you think that is what is best for our family. Just remember that my mother is the twin’s guardian and she will get them and raise them while you rot in jail.”

I suddenly saw the truth of my life and cracked. I cried and didn’t leave my bed for more than a week before he decided he it was enough and told me to style up or get out. By then, I had realised I did nothing in the home and my children didn’t even know I was in bad shape so I decided to leave and get myself together.

Wow…will you go back to your family?

I don’t know…I don’t know if they will want me back

Of course they will…you are their wife and mother!!! Carol exclaimed

Yes…but I have earned the dislike that is coming to my place.


Do you know where you are in your life’s walk? Are you aware of the things that you do that are stalling or accelerating your life?


Zip It Or Leave…


Why so quiet Jean?

I’m not quiet

You are quiet and pensive which tells me you are thinking about something


So what are you thinking about?


What life?

Everything about life

Want to talk about it?

Sure but maybe another time, there comes Sue…

Carol turned to see Susan walking towards them. It has been a while since she had seen her and the difference was amazing. She had lost so much weight yet instead of looking vibrant and glowing she looked sad and lost. Without hesitation Jean stood up and hugged Sue and held her for a minute.

Hi doll.

Hi Jean

How are you?

I’m ok…hi Carol

Hi…Carol couldn’t bring herself to say more than that

Sue do you want to sit?

I’m not sure…you seem to be in the middle of something

Nothing that can’t wait

Are you sure…Carol you seem uncomfortable

Oh, sure…yeah…it can wait


How is Bob and the kids?

I don’t know

What??? How don’t you know?

Seriously Jean!!! You don’t know? Carol blurted out

Know what?

That she is newly single?

IMG_20151209_063739Really Sue?

Yes! she replied looking down

What happened?

More things than I want to talk about.

Come on Sue, just tell us the truth.

What truth?

Oh I heard it all…

What did you hear Carol?

The rudeness, nastiness, accusations against Bob…how can you be unable to keep your marriage together even after you got married in church?


No Jean…why doesn’t she tell us what really happened?

Even I wouldn’t if you hit out at me like that

Well Jean, just like you always do you take the side of the other person over me

Like I always do?

Of course…when did you ever take my side in an argument?

I don’t take sides…I try to find the truth

Truth? Let me give you the truth…this sweet Sue here (makes the quotes sign with her fingers) put Bob through the wringer and by the time she was done with him he was a mess and had to look for another woman to make him feel like a man.

And who told you this Carol…Bob?

Oh, no! He is too hurt to speak up for himself.

So who told you?

My friend

Your friend who heard it from?

Another mutual friend

So it is all third maybe sixth hand if we track it back

IMG_20151209_063737What does it matter how many hands it is when I know it is the truth?

Truth according to who? Have you spoken to Bob to confirm the story? Have you heard Sue’s side?

Why should I when all she ever says is against him?

When did she last talk about this with you?


So how do you know it is all against him?

I was told!

Once again the grapevine told you and you have no substantive proof.

So what are you saying…that I’m a liar?

Nope! I’m asking what your source is and whether the story you are plying is really the whole story?

Like I would peddle a half story?

Well, have you heard Sue’s side?


Have you spoken to Bob?


Have you asked God about it?

Not really!

IMG_20151209_063740So how is it that you are peddling a full story?

You need to get off your high horse and realise that life isn’t as simple as you say it is. The real victim is always the one who has been left not the one who leaves.


Yes…If she was even a half decent Christian woman she would still be at home taking care of her children. She wouldn’t have walked out and left a man with two little ones to care for!!



I wish it was that simple!…Sue said softly

What do you wish was so simple?

I wish my leaving was so simple

What was so hard about it? You got up in the middle of the night and left…simple!

That isn’t how it happened. There is so much people don’t know that I could never talk about that led to my leaving.

There you go again…you can’t talk about it…maybe you just don’t want to talk about it!


Please what????

Can you just give it a break?

Give what a break?

Do you want to know her side or not?

I know all I need to know?

IMG_20151209_064348Carol…zip it or leave…

There was a moment of silence at the table as Jean and Carol starred at each other, finally Carol calmed down and Jean turned to Sue

But what happened to make you leave?

I had to make a choice, remain and go mad and possibly die or leave, find myself in God then figure how to rebuild my family.


Have there been days when whatever choice you had was between a rock and a hard place? Did you take the right way out or the easier way out?

Clear and Certain? Nope!

Today has been a hard day as have been many others and nothing anyone has said makes me feel better. I can no longer sit here looking happy and need to find peace with God or go mad. Yes…peace with God or go mad…I need to get away from everyone and focus…I need focus…



Photo Courtesy of @Kyesubire



Dear Lord,

Can I say that I am feeling lost and confused today? I have had so many conversations with so many people off late but there are still so many questions in my mind. The biggest question in my mind right now is this one…Why do we think that it is well only when things are working?

Let me explain. I have so many things going on around me. Some of my friends are sick, some people are struggling with marriages, some are in very challenging jobs, some of them cannot find jobs yet we are praying and trusting you to make things work. It almost feels as if we are doing something wrong but I am sure that we are on the right track. However, the reality of this life is that many of us have lost hope because it is as if you have forgotten us.



Photo courtesy of @Kyesubire

I know for a fact that Lord You are with us and have been with us all the time yet I often wonder what is going on around me. I have little things working and blessings coming but I want bigger things and there isn’t much of that going on around me. When we don’t have or when our prayers are not being answered God, does that mean that You aren’t with us or does it mean we have lost our way? I am believing You for things and they aren’t coming…does that mean that I have sinned or failed or am missing something? Why do we think that You are only in the good things? Why do we see lack, hardship and wilderness experiences as not possibly from You? Is there truth to that thought process or are we on our own tangent? How do we understand the truth that You are the only one who determines the place of things in life?


Lord, I have so many questions. Is this normal? What does it mean to believe in You no matter what is going on around us? How do I learn to believe that whether I lack or have You are with me? Where is it written that life has to be smooth to be with You? Why do we get taught that You are only in the good when all things are going well in life? Weren’t You in the storm with Jesus and the disciples? Weren’t You at the cross with Jesus? Weren’t You with Paul in prison? Weren’t You on Patmos with John? Weren’t You with Jesus when he was being flogged? Wasn’t there good in Your plan for him? Can there be value in my life and still have challenges in it? Can I find peace in the midst of the storm and sleep like Jesus did? Can I become like Christ who said in the garden, ‘Not my will but yours be done?’ Why do I feel like I am losing a grip on life?



Photo courtesy of @Kyesubire

Daddy says that we must test every situation with the question ‘What does this mean in God’s scheme?’ He talks a lot about being sure that he is where You need him to be and has no doubt no matter the challenge. I don’t really understand what that means or how it actually works. Too often it sounds like a pipe dream, an impossibility, a mirage, an empty place. That said, I desperately want to understand what is going on and find my place in the plan of God.


Please Lord, this me…Jean asking you for help…please let me know soon…


What do you need to clear with God? Take the time to sit at His feet and hear directly from Him. He speaks all the time we just have to take time to listen.