The journey was harder than I could ever explain and I wasn’t saying much about it but many days it took all I had to work out and make the steps I needed to make. It took a herculean push and focus to eat as I had said I would and remain the course. It was often easier to sit my room, eat chocolate and only send the pictures of the good stuff. It was easier to talk about the rosy parts and leave out the hard ones. Something had to give for me to remain on the path…something had to give.
I had to be honest to make progress.
The first place of honesty had to be with myself. I had to be clear when and why I didn’t want to do something. I had to be sure I understood what was going on in my body and my heart at all times no matter what. I had to be in touch in with my emotions. Telling myself the truth made a difference in this process for me.
How many times was I in the middle of something and fear arose from a known cause but I didn’t face it off properly? How many times was I certain that something needed dealing but I would push it back into the shadows? What was in my heart about someone around me that had to change before I could move on and I kept pushing it away?
I had to face all the truths the process was opening up for me whether I liked them or not.
Oh boy! I had to look in the mirror and within me to face the things that were rising to the surface and deal with them totally and honesty. I had to face the cravings that came up as I worked to shift my diet. I had to deal with the desire to avoid the muscle pain and soreness. I had to deal with days my emotions were so out of place I couldn’t push through. I had to deal with wanting to give up because it was too hard. I had to deal with doubt and fear that would rise occasionally. I had to deal with disappointment when I cheated on the diet or just decided to rebel. I had to see, face and deal no matter what. This forced me to stop and realise I needed help therefore ask for help.
I learnt that help only comes when I am honest.
I wish I could say that the path to today is simple but that would be a lie. I would chat up coach and simply say, ‘I can’t do this one.’ Or call my sister and say, ‘Today is a hard day, pray for me.’ Or I could tell my lil man, ‘Pray for mama, because right now the desire for fries is greater than the desire for good food.’ I could just sit on my exercise mat and cry to God asking for help to keep going.
Honesty has been the one thing that keeps me on the path. An honest evaluation of where I am and how to get out has kept me going even on days I would have given up. Honest conversations with God and my appointed helpers always brought me back to Hebrews 12:1-2
“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the [a]author and [b]finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”