Monthly Archives: August 2018

The Road Out

wide angle photo of road

Photo by Voicu Oara on

In the face of the doubt I was facing, I needed to find a better out. In the past I would take a scripture and stand on it, repeating it in my heart and out loud hoping and praying it would become a reality. It didn’t!! Now for those of us who are honest, it never ever works well. You don’t believe me? Let me ask…How many times have you received a word, stood on a scripture and nothing changed? Or only small things changed and you wondered what was wrong? In the end it left you feeling that you have done something wrong or said the devil has blocked your blessing. Had he?

I determined that my walk was going to be different.

I reached back for help and found it in something Coach always says; ‘Embrace it.’ What he means is simple. Do not deny the situation at hand; face it head on, analyse it and deal with everything that rises sector by sector. Sounds simple enough? Believe me it is but the simplicity comes from practise.

My first look into the face of the doubt was jarring because it exposed my underbelly in ways I wouldn’t have even anticipated. It showed areas of weakness, unresolved issues, hurt, fear and shame. It showed the genesis of the struggle that was in me and that I would never have known existed and for a split second I felt weak and useless then I caught myself.

Yes these things existed but they did not define me and they didn’t have to stay. Yes, I had failed repeatedly but that didn’t make me a failure. Yes, I had been stunted in my growth but I am mot unable to grow. This was the seed of hope I needed. Hope arose that with God, I could deal with this matter once for all.

The place to start dealing was the feelings that I couldn’t complete the assignment or keep consistent then deal with the consistent start stop of the process. The root of these feelings are past failures that I had worn like a badge. Failures become badges when we hold onto them as evidence that we tried something that didn’t work. We keep going back to that marker and say… ‘See…I tried and failed before why try again?’

Dealing forced me to see all the badges I had hung on the wall of my life that had become ungodly memorials. Yes, I said ungodly memorials because God didn’t ordain those memorials to be placed. These were standing in the way of His work because I couldn’t get past them and here I was asking Him to help me. Sha!!! Nothing will change if I don’t change my mind.

Do not be conformed any longer to the patterns of this world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind. Rom 12:2.

This was the only way out I had. No more victim behaviour. No more it has failed in the past. No more I don’t know then doing nothing about it. The focus shifted to standing on the word God has spoken. What He said is all that I can stand on. Where He sends is where I will go no matter how ill-equipped I may feel.

It took effort to shift my mind to this plane but it has been so worth it.

road sky clouds cloudy

Photo by Gratisography on

The new mindset has shifted my focus in all ways. On a recent trip there were so many obstacles to the journey but the one thing I was certain of if that we must travel. The lessons of stand on the word, face the situation and deal with matters sector by sector is what kept me going.

Victory is sure when we hear the word of God and stand on it despite and in spite of the circumstances.


Unexpected Guests

You know that day you need to just chill and do nothing? I have had a couple of those of late. It has been as if my mind and body needed a break and whether or not I wanted to I had to take it. What was interesting was the guilt that checked in. Yeah…it moved into my room.

It begun with the incessant thought that I need get up and do something but my body would say no. What do you mean no way? We have made a commitment to do something every day and yet here you are slacking off. Come on body and mind, align and keep your word. Join forces and keep walking.

Ha! This time the body and mind didn’t align…period. The next thing that packed was my writing. It wasn’t just staring at a blank sheet of paper for long. The words flowed but they were totally disjointed words. Imagine reading your writing and thinking, ewwwww!!! Who wrote that?

What did I do? Simple, I stopped it all!

black twist pen on notebook

Photo by Mohammad Danish on

I put my feet up and my pen down and spent time just being, reading and thinking. The only thing I didn’t really stop was watching what I ate. I was so torn by the situation. On one side I wanted to be up and about keeping things together and on the other hand I was like whatever…it will come back when it comes back.

It was also interesting that none of my accountability partners pushed me during this period. It was as if they knew something was afoot. My lil man sat back and watched while coach didn’t say a word. It was hard because on the inside I was feeling pressure to keep to the agreement I had made and I was beginning to w0nder what was wrong with me. What was most perplexing was that every time I asked God about things, He was silent.

For a few moments I wondered what I could have done to make Him silent. I was like why is God so silent? Have you ever had the thought that things won’t work out the way you planned because you have failed in the past? Or have you wanted to do something so bad but the fact that others have failed has you worried?

Say hello to doubt…that feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. Guilt had opened the door for doubt to come visiting and doubt was a nasty guest.

Suddenly clarity came…exercise was always my greatest point of doubt. Oh food could have been an issue I had conquered it before, I knew my triggers and how to overcome them but exercise…that was a different story. In my heart of hearts, I had an innate fear of failing and didn’t think I had it in me to make it or keep walking all the way to the end.

Oh I had never really accepted that I could be plagued with doubt because all my life I done the best I could to conquer everything I did and never admitted publicly to the things that scared me. I kept it hidden from the world behind a veneer of confidence and hope.

Now was time to grow and live out the truth of Hebrews 11:1…

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

background black branches clouds

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Unpacking Roadblocks

It had taken a lot of work to get to the place of balance in my walk to a new lifestyle but there were still hurdles to overcome. I’m wondering if there are other ways one could dissipate focus and achievements other than talking too much. After some thought, I began to itemise the things that could slow my process and make it less successful. In the process, fear, doubt, pain and people came to the top of the list. Then I realise that keeping silent has helped me begin dealing with them.

sunrise under cloudy sky illustration

Photo by Public Domain Pictures on

It started with seemingly mundane things and grew into the biggest things I could see but fear had taken root at a point.

First was the fact that I didn’t have kit and I didn’t know where to start. Then came the fact that I didn’t know what set or sequence of workout was needed, then I didn’t know what to eat, then I had strained a muscle I didn’t know how to stretch it out, then I wondered if I would reach the goal I had set, then asked if I would look as good as I wanted, then…then…then…the list kept getting longer and longer and the fear got bigger every time.

Soon fear was something real that I didn’t really know what it was or how to deal with it.

What is fear? It is the emotion related to an expectation of danger, pain, loss or harm. It is fuelled by a sense of being inadequate or unprepared for the event at hand. It comes with a great sense of overwhelm and personal doubt and can be debilitating. Often fear causes people to freeze and lose their capacity to function rationally.

How did I identify the fear? That one was funny. We were reviewing progress with coach and I was hesitant and vague in some of my answers and he kept pushing as is his norm. I didn’t answer and the conversation kept ringing in my mind. I was certain I didn’t know the answer but twenty minutes later it hit me…fear was holding me back! I was terrified! In the past I would walk away but now I knew that if I didn’t tackle it, I would be at loss for a while.

What did I do? Oh I worked hard to deal with the fear related to the process and it went down enough for me to see the way but my introspective nature caused me to look at other aspects of my life and find fear in place in other places. It is ironic that growth in one area only opens up room to grow in another. I had heard it said that we must embrace fear but I didn’t know how to do so.

I needed tangible steps to follow or at least action points to deal with this now and always.

If  “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind,”* and “God is not a man that he should lie or the son of man that He should repent”** then there was something I hadn’t tapped into that I needed to. There is a process that I must connect to and understand to resolve these matters and move on.

*2 Timothy 1:7 /  **Num 12:9