You know that day you need to just chill and do nothing? I have had a couple of those of late. It has been as if my mind and body needed a break and whether or not I wanted to I had to take it. What was interesting was the guilt that checked in. Yeah…it moved into my room.
It begun with the incessant thought that I need get up and do something but my body would say no. What do you mean no way? We have made a commitment to do something every day and yet here you are slacking off. Come on body and mind, align and keep your word. Join forces and keep walking.
Ha! This time the body and mind didn’t align…period. The next thing that packed was my writing. It wasn’t just staring at a blank sheet of paper for long. The words flowed but they were totally disjointed words. Imagine reading your writing and thinking, ewwwww!!! Who wrote that?
What did I do? Simple, I stopped it all!
I put my feet up and my pen down and spent time just being, reading and thinking. The only thing I didn’t really stop was watching what I ate. I was so torn by the situation. On one side I wanted to be up and about keeping things together and on the other hand I was like whatever…it will come back when it comes back.
It was also interesting that none of my accountability partners pushed me during this period. It was as if they knew something was afoot. My lil man sat back and watched while coach didn’t say a word. It was hard because on the inside I was feeling pressure to keep to the agreement I had made and I was beginning to w0nder what was wrong with me. What was most perplexing was that every time I asked God about things, He was silent.
For a few moments I wondered what I could have done to make Him silent. I was like why is God so silent? Have you ever had the thought that things won’t work out the way you planned because you have failed in the past? Or have you wanted to do something so bad but the fact that others have failed has you worried?
Say hello to doubt…that feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. Guilt had opened the door for doubt to come visiting and doubt was a nasty guest.
Suddenly clarity came…exercise was always my greatest point of doubt. Oh food could have been an issue I had conquered it before, I knew my triggers and how to overcome them but exercise…that was a different story. In my heart of hearts, I had an innate fear of failing and didn’t think I had it in me to make it or keep walking all the way to the end.
Oh I had never really accepted that I could be plagued with doubt because all my life I done the best I could to conquer everything I did and never admitted publicly to the things that scared me. I kept it hidden from the world behind a veneer of confidence and hope.
Now was time to grow and live out the truth of Hebrews 11:1…
Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.