Monthly Archives: November 2018

Find Rest Beloved

I’ve been reminded of the need to rest this week… I’ve been unwell for a good portion of it so been unable to do much. No, I haven’t been in bed but I’ve been slowed down significantly and it’s been interesting counting on people too, I’m not used to.

Come to think of it, you wouldn’t know I was unwell if you don’t know me well. It’s been interesting not being able to take my daily walk or get a workout done, but I’ve learnt to be at peace about it. Even with all this going on, I’m in the middle of an intense project but God has been and still is very present. He’s constantly making me take time off to regroup and I find I function better afterwards.

Time off hasn’t looked like I thought it would. It’s been a combination of different things: a couple of chapters of a novel, grounding, music, a phone call, a chat, the quiet remembrance of a fond or funny memory, laughter, prayer, meditation…little restful things. There a few things that would make this process better like a hug from very specific people but that hasn’t been there. Yet I have found deep rest in God’s arms.

In the middle of it all, a beloved sister put it into perspective with one comment, “It’s also necessarily to rest…your body needs to recover as much as it needs the workout.”

Bingo! It became clear suddenly… I need to remember that my body is a living organism and times of rest and refreshing are critical. I must therfore plan them in no matter what.

Rest allows healing, restoration, recalibration, renewal, rejuvenation and many more re’s. Rest opens the mind to newness and freshness. It makes it possible to find new ideas, adjust old ones and create understanding for difficult situations and concepts. It’s like plugging a dying handset into power supply.

Some think rest is for the weak but not so much.

I remember burning the candle from both ends for many years and paying the price repeatedly so I’m no longer a proponent of the work until you die. What price did I pay? Illness, bed rest, mood swings, anger… You name it.

So I’m left wondering, how many of the fights people have are connected to a lack of rest? How many difficult bosses are just stressed out and tired? How much road rage can be avoided if we are all better rested? So many things would be different… So many things would be different.

I now continue to find pockets of rest in my life to remain at full throttle. How about you?

Oh So Demanding!

Why are we so demanding? What do I mean?

Well, we judge people by how often they look for us, visit us, think of us, call us. We say they have changed when they don’t reach out often even before we reach out to them. We get upset when our birthdays aren’t remembered or our boss doesn’t recognise our effort, or our colleague throws us under the bus to get out of trouble.

In my life, I was like that until it all came crashing down. I am no longer one to judge you by what you do or don’tdo but it didn’t come automatically. I had to learn it. Let me explain.

Photo by Pixabay on

It dawned on me one day when I was down and no one knew how to deal with me in that state that most people around me are here because of what I can give not who I am. As heartbreaking as that was I begun to interrogate my relationships starting from my home and birth family going out and it was true. I was strong and useful and capable and never had a bad day or a down day. I was always on point, on time, on task, on cue regardless of the personal cost.

I joined a fellowship where I expected to be embraced in the usual fashion but felt below par and ignored for whatever reason and it broke me. I sulked, whined, fretted, fussed the whole carousel till I landed flat on my face before God saying life was unfair. He simply said, “It seems so because you are looking to others to make you happy when you should be looking to me.”

Ah! What? How was that possible? We talk all the time, I come to you, I ask you? How aren’t I looking at you my Father? That started the longest 3 or so years of my life because I was determined to understand what He was saying and He showed up. He taught me just how unimportant I was unless to most unless I was meeting needs; then He turned the mirror on how I valued people based on the need they met or the gap they filled. What? I did it too? I just wanted to run and hide.

God is so wise because now that He had my attention, he could explicitly show me how important I am to Him.

He taught me to ask only Him for what I need and watch as He provided. He taught me who to expect what from and who to leave alone and when I looked back the only person I could expect anything from was Him.

It was so harsh that even my natural family didn’t factor in the people I could rely on unless HE has said so. He’s my ONLY source so if you look at me and walk by without even a flicker of recognition, I’m good. If you complain we aren’t supporting you yet you did the exact thing to me, I’m good. If you forget me until you need help, I’m good. If you visit everyone except me, I’m good.

But…I’m only good if God remains everything I need

My advise… Find you in God’s plan, not how you were raised because we are doing madness in that process, but how God created you and be that… The rest will work itself out

Debunking Unconditional Love

Earlier this year, God made it clear that I know nothing about unconditional love.

Here I was thinking I had received and given it then He says what? Well, unless He broke it down for me, I would have never guessed that. You see, until then, all the love I have ever given or received has been based on each party being a certain way or doing certain things. You doubt that?

Think about it. Aren’t there always things we expect from those who say they love us? Don’t we expect certain actions, behaviours, tones of voice, etc? I had to stop and really think and as I meditated on this, I realised alas, it was true. So I asked myself, what is unconditional love?

nature bird red wildlife

Photo by Pixabay on

Unconditional love is to love someone, just to love them, because God has asked you to love them: no conditions, reasons, limitations, expectations, benchmarks, targets etc. 

It is mind-blowing to say the least but absolutely scary on the other side of the spectrum. Sounds cool to be on the receiving end of this but how do we all get to be on the giving end? How do I become the source of unconditional love? Do I even have that capacity within me? I realised that I must learn to love for the sake of God and the purpose He has established for me to achieve. So what does it mean to love? Let me clarify that to love someone unconditionally means:

  1. All or nothing – I give you everything in me expecting nothing back or nothing at all. Sometimes the best way to showcase love is to walk away. The elimination of expectation is key because it is the removal of boxes to check and standards to meet
  2. To give everything the other needs – no holding back even if it’s a hug, a reprimand, silence… Everything you need from me you get. The most common misconception is that I need to withhold the hard stuff from people yet sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to correct and give a caution or reprimand. I got one this week and it wasn’t nice to swallow but I could now see the other side.
  3. To ask God for guidance on what, how, when to give expecting nothing in return… Doing, giving, responding to only what God has said nothing more or less.
  4. To trust that the one who loves me will never intentionally hurt me – this is often hard because when someone is hard on us we often question their love. I learnt that when someone is willing to take the risk to correct me even firmly it means they are unwilling to let me fail no matter what.
  5. To dare to counter and correct no matter what – my reality is that just because we love each other we won’t always agree on things. To love unconditionally allows me to understand this and let people have opinions contrary to mine and we thrash them through. After all, I am not God and He is the only one who can get us all to agree. It is also a reality that some of the most robust friendships I have are the ones where we have contrary opinions but such great respect for each other that we thrive because we are challenged every day.
  6. Intimacy – into me see… Naked and unashamed, totally open communication in a safe place. This has been challenging to learn but I have found that it is critical to have places where I can be truly me and not fear reprisal or discrimination. I have safe spaces where what is shared truly stays there and is not shared with others as prayer requests or juicy tidbits. Spaces where I can lay bare my soul and know that nothing will turn this friendship around. These aren’t many but the very existence of even one has made a difference in my life.
  7. Is divine – a spiritual connection with an eternal God-given goal to accomplish…simple and straightforward

Unpacking this has been intense but it must be done. I have spent enough time with the drill master to know that I have to choose to face everything even I’d rather choose the simple path. When I am busy it is easy to ignore the churning but when I take a break it all comes rushing back and the dealing continues.

Love Is The Difference

Ha! No…you don’t even know where I am going with this one…Trust me!

There is lots of talk about different kinds of love. God’s love, self-love, family love, the love of our lives, the love our parents did or didn’t give us etc. Then there’s the list of things people are supposed to do for love; if you love me you will do this or that, if she loves me she would trust me, call me often, respond to all my messages etc….the list is endless. All these may have their place but I am not going to look at many of them.

Love is a simple yet very complex thing. It is not just emotions or a warm feeling or goosebumps or hugs and kisses. Neither is it just dreamy dates, staring into each other’s eyes or gifts. It definitely is not just having our way, getting through each day, think about each other, private jokes, smiles, fun and laughter. Neither is it control, fear, obedience, honour. It is so much more all that.

white and yellow flower with green stems

Photo by Bess Hamiti on

Love is a choice.

Love is the choice to keep working even when I don’t want to. It is getting out of bed daily and doing what I need to do because it is my assigned role; love is doing my part with joy and gladness. It is working through that fight because I need resolution and God has said work through it even if the other party isn’t willing to engage; it is honestly dealing with myself and all the nonsense and entitlement I have brought to the table.

Love is understanding that others don’t have to agree with my opinion and we can still be friends or siblings. Love is being told the truth in a way I will understand and no matter what allowing the bearer to remain part of my life if that is God’s determined route. Love is remaining true to the voice and word of God no matter what. It is becoming the best version of myself as God has defined so that my interactions with others will bring Him glory and bring out the best in all of them

In 2018 I have had the blessing of having people who really love and walk with me and it has been rough. Yes, rough! In the past, I had one friend who leveled it all with me no matter what but this year God has allowed that number to quadruple so it has been rough. It has been pressure from multiple directions and a no holds barred walk which has demanded (not requested) absolute honesty with myself as I answer all the questions raised and suggestions given. I say honesty because the things said are often harder to digest than the often sugar-coated things others have said. It hasn’t been easy but that has been the best class about love.

nature petals flower outdoors

Photo by ilaria88 on

Love is nothing like what I thought it was and as God used people to break it down for me I realised that I have never known or received or given unconditional love…story for another post. When I say, love makes a difference; I am talking about love for God. Am I still using my health journey as a point of reference? Yes.

As I have been challenged by all those walking with me on this path to be the best I can be, I have found that my love for God and the word He spoke over me and about me is the best fire to keep me going. My one desire is that my life would become the platform He saw when He thought of me before the foundations of the earth to tell of His wondrous power and love to all mankind.

This love is too much, yet it is the real difference.