Monthly Archives: February 2019

Organised But Undisciplined

‘You are organized but undisciplined!’ Papa said.

‘ What? Really?’ I asked totally gobsmacked.

‘Yup!’ he replied.

‘How can one be organised and undisciplined? That is just absolutely absurd.’ I said. The silence was a clear sign He wasn’t going to answer directly and I would have to dig deep.

By all standards, I am the super put together, get everything done well girl. For the longest time, I was a career planner, good at my job with a slew of happy clients. I repeatedly run projects on large and small budgets and with long and short timelines. I have lived with lots and little and ensured we never lacked. I have solved problems for a living, walked with people, challenged others and changed lives. How on earth could I be undisciplined? This one hurt.

How can I be organised and undisciplined? Undisciplined? I would never have said that of me in a thousand years then this conversation with God. Questions were racing through my mind. How was this even possible? What was I doing? What wasn’t I doing? What marks haven’t I reached? Had I even hit one mark? Did I have a clear picture of the world around me? What could I do better and what would it produce? I was determined to find out what this was about.

Photo by Artem Saranin on

As I worked through the situation, things caught my attention.

First was the Longman, definition of discipline. ‘Discipline is a way of training someone so that they learn to control their behaviour and obey rules.’ Fair enough I thought to myself, fair enough. There is a lot I could change right there. I had been trained by God and family but I hadn’t stayed with the content long enough for it to really take root. In some cases, I had even walked out of class.

Second is the quote by Elbert Hubbard, “Self-discipline is the ability to make yourself do what you should do when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not.” Ha!!! This one was big. Many times if I didn’t feel like doing something I walked away until I felt like it. I didn’t want to eat fruit, I walked away. I didn’t feel like writing I put the pen down or shut down my machine. It often took the threat of a deadline or unhappy team player to get me to work.

Third, defined discipline as follows; ‘When you have discipline, you have self-control.’ Did I have self-control over all areas of my life? Was I wholly dedicated in all areas or was it selective to matters external?

I can run circles around you if you drop an idea for an event and have a work plan in my mind in minutes but getting it on paper is often another matter altogether but it will come out beautiful. I can see a project through to the end no matter the drama if I believe in it. I can write just about anything I set my mind to in a time span I decide. I can walk with people and encourage them to believe and move mountains without breaking a sweat. I am bull-headed about people’s things, I continually excelled at work and in areas of ministry, but when it comes to the things that concerned me; that is a whole different story.

You see, discipline is driven from within and it doesn’t matter how disciplined or organised I look on the outside, if I am undisciplined on the inside or in my personal life then I can be organised and undisciplined.

There it was in full view and it was true: I was organised but undisciplined.

Photo by Muffin on

Keeping track

The year started quickly with goals set, targets lined up and the list sent to the system manager knowing that we were in for a year as good as 2018, or so I thought. A couple of days after submitting the plan to coach for accountability, I realized it wasn’t a true reflection of the plan for the year. In fact, It felt like I wasn’t the one who wrote it in the first place. Ha! How could that be?

After a time of reflection and recalibrating, I found I had simply taken the targets for 2018 and reworded them. First off, I didn’t even realise I had just adopted pre-existing actions. Why? It was easy and seemed right at the moment but it wasn’t. It was the lazy girl’s solution and I was unaware of it. As a result, I lost a bit of steam for the year yet I had earlier chosen to always move forward no matter how challenging things were or could get. Yet here was the opportunity to stand for my word and I chose the easy way out and I had to shift back to the right course.

The journey of isn’t for the swift but the determined, deliberate and dedicated.

A few mornings ago, I was thinking about this new path of intense honesty and recalled my choice to connect to the ongoing realities of 2019 and adjust accordingly because this is a year like no other. There has never been a year like this and there will never be another one. This isn’t a flippant statement but a deep certainty. 2019 is demanding my full attention and commitment. It is demanding deep gut-wrenching honesty with myself and the world around me. It is taking nothing but all of me because the internal and external shift must be fully aligned and completed.

There is no room or time to choose paths based on emotions or past success. There is only room to understand the fullness of who I am in Christ and constantly and devotedly work towards that. There is only room to walk in step with Papa and do only what He says, when He says and how He says. There is only room to dive deeper into the love He has offered me and to change and become the right person so that He can do all He needs to do with, in and through me. I can no longer behave like a porcelain doll and just look delicate and pretty. He has guaranteed I will look good but it is all for His honour and glory.

Even though I still don’t have the full picture, I press on knowing that as I keep asking He will keep unfolding and as I keep unfolding He will keep unwrapping the depth, breadth and height of His love for me and His capacity to draw me in and turn me into the fullness of what He sees.

Papa, open my eyes that I may see as only you know I must see, become who you say I am and accomplish all you have established is part of my walk. Nothing less; only more of you and your plan for humanity! Amen

Fork or Spoon?

As a matter of choice we don’t bring dishes to the table rather we serve in the kitchen and come sit together. This habit started soon after I realized just how many dishes we have to wash if we have to remove food from the cooking pot into a serving dish and then to a food container for the leftovers. Suffice it to say, I cut down on dirty dishes by leaving the food in the pot.

Don’t even talk about the aluminium bleeding into the food. When I realized it was happening in my kitchen, I changed to the ceramic and stainless steel pots and pans; it has been a wonderful breeze since then. Easy cooking, heat retention and easy cleaning became a part of my daily life. Anyway, that wasn’t the point.

Fork or spoon? Oh what a question.

It was just the young king and I at home and we had just served food when he asked the above question. I was taken aback because he knew I mostly used a spoon so why was he asking. Even as I said spoon, my mind wondered why a spoon, not a fork yet a few years ago, I would not be caught using a spoon except for cereal and dessert. I realised that I switched to spoons only around 2003. Let’s not even talk about fingers. My mother tells a hilarious story of me and my fingers in her plate from when I was 9 months but that is a story for another day. (hope I remember to tell it)

In a moment of clarity, I found that I moved to spoon from fork when I had very short lunch breaks and I needed to finish the food on my plate before then next patient walks in or Doc finishes his current patient. I would eat at my desk if there was no one to hold fort so I needed to ensure I was done quickly otherwise all sorts of interruptions would ensure I didn’t finish my meal. The spoon helped me take bigger bites even when I got home from work so I ate faster and went back to the task in record time.

Oh don’t tell me about the need to chew every bit thirty-two times and savour every bite.

Eating was a necessary function that needed to be done as fast as possible and this led to many different challenges. The most interesting one was the capacity to really overeat. The satiety or fullness hormone doesn’t kick in until after fifteen minutes of eating so as long as I was a fast eater I would finish and still feel hungry so go for a second round. I was conscious about the possibility of weight gain so I chose to have veggies when I added a helping but it wasn’t a perfect solution. When the fifteen minutes were up I was so full it was uncomfortable…too uncomfortable.

This full feeling led to a bloated stomach because of indigestion caused by too much food that was difficult to digest or took a long time to digest. It was amazing that such a simple thing could have such ravaging effects. I also noticed that the outcome was different for different people. For some it caused increased weight gain especially around the belly, others had crazy bloating and gas, others heartburn that was absolutely insane.

In time I changed to fork from spoon and it changed everything.

My bites were smaller, my eating slower, I learnt to really enjoy my food and in time my portion size and tummy shrunk. It became impossible to think that I used to want to eat on the run because I was too busy to stop. I also learnt to focus on eating not doing other things all through my meal. I sat down to eat and put my phone down, the computer away and focused on the task. The anxiety I’d always felt faded and I found that it was easier to enjoy life. Clearly, a spoon or a fork can change a life.

What do you know that needs to change for your relationship with God to deepen? Deal with it and be the shining light God sent you here to be.


The Places I Hide

A safe space is a place free judgment, bias, conflict, criticism, or potentially threatening actions, ideas, and conversations held here will not be broadcast. It is a place of deep vulnerability and honesty that leads to incredible personal reflection and growth. It is established and defined by the parties involved and it cannot exist without each knowing it has been created. It doesn’t happen overnight but is cultivated intentionally over time and strengthened through action and understanding and must be protected.

A safe space starts with intimacy, needs time and focus

Growing a safe space needs all parties to remain connected and communicating without judgement or hiding. It entails no holds barred communication, interaction, challenges and sharing to ensure growth and commitment. It shuns spoon feeding and harnesses reflection and personal realizations to fuel lasting growth and change.

It demands deep personal introspection, vulnerability and honesty that guides life’s journey to growth because the hard stuff requires work and though it would be easy for those in the space to provide direct answers, it is beneficial to the participants to allow each other the opportunity to learn and develop the skills needed to deal with life. These spaces provide guidelines, accountability and social support structures through challenging and joyful situations that keep the journey on course.

The adversity and hostility around makes many prefer external conformity to social norms and expectations than to be themselves hence the need for more safe spaces. At it gets increasingly intense in all spheres of life the skills and lessons learnt in the safe spaces enable one to conquer the outside.

When I began walking with coach, I’d complain about everything from the schedule, to life, work, how the home was running, who wasn’t talking to me etc. He began pushing back at every complaint assessing my ‘reasons’ for the situation or choice and countering with questions. Often I wanted to walk away saying this is not what I signed up for until we revisited matter.

‘I didn’t sign up for this.’ I said

‘Yes you did.’ He replied. ‘The day you accepted my offer to help you walk this journey together.’ He said

‘I didn’t know it would be so hard…’ I sighed

‘It is only as hard as you make it,’ he chimed

‘Yeah right. All you ever do is ask questions and tell me how I need to look deeper, that I know the answer and I don’t want to deal with stuff. I am doing my best.’ I whined

‘Are you sure you are doing your best?’ he asked

‘There you go again doubting and pushing me.’ I responded

‘Do you understand why I push you?’ he asked.

‘Because you are mean…?’ I said

‘Ha!! No!! Try again.’ He said

‘That is what I think,’ I sighed

‘Good God help me,’ he sighed. ‘I push you because I am a true friend.’ he said

‘Yeah right!’ I puffed, ‘True friend my foot.’

‘It is true. Hard stuff requires hard work. I want to make it easy but I wouldn’t be doing you any favours. The goal is to guide you not do the work for you.’ he replied.

‘Why?’ I ask softly

‘Healing comes from the work done in an environment that allows failure but demands you rise when you fall. If I coddle you when you need to keep walking I won’t be helping you long term and that won’t help anyone. In this space you can try and fail knowing that there is no judgement just pressure to keep pushing and working towards your goals. When you reach the goal, the push is to set a new target and keep walking and growing. Safe space aren’t about holding you with kid gloves, rather it is a demand that you to be the best you can be.’ He said

‘What happens when I fail, can’t get up and go on?’ I ask

‘We will sit there for a bit, allow you to catch your breath, find the lessons, apply them then get up and keep going. When you feel at the end of your rope or need to deal with deeper issues we will sit together and deal but in the end you must stand up and keep walking. There will be no wallowing self-pity so we don’t lose momentum and never get up again,’ he responded.

Suddenly, I really understood! This space allows me to grow in leaps and bounds because the pressure is consistent and unrelenting. It has forced me to deal with life in different, be more self-aware and know the voice of God . This deep self-awareness fuels the application of lessons learnt to the path walked. I have several safe spaces because different people are assigned to different parts of my life so we plan for these differences.

It’s impossible to keep moving without spaces to just be truly me.

Be certain that when you don’t see me losing my cool or understand where I get the strength to deal with the day from, I have been to one of my safe spaces, let down my hair (pun intended), cried, dealt and come back out a better person. I have been pushed to the corner and come back stronger. I have faced me and found the right way out of, through or round the challenges of growing. I have found spaces where no matter who I am or what I have done or am going through, I am free; I am loved; I am enough; I am accepted.

Do you need to ask God for a space of intentional growth? Take a moment and do so.

Life changes when we tackle it head on.