Monthly Archives: April 2019

Believe & Change

Many times I have struggled with things because I haven’t had the capacity to go on against seemingly insurmountable odds. There have been days when I can’t tell my right from my left hand because of the fog of distress and I have had to find a way through and the thing that will push me through.

In time I have come to understand that believing makes it possible to keep going.

Daddy has always talked about how easy it is to walk with God and I always had so many questions about that. It often felt like I was working against a wall that wouldn’t move no matter how hard I prayed, lived out and confessed the words of faith and promises of God. That is really unsettling because it is the heart of life. So either I break down or something gives and because my Father won’t allow me to give up (even as he lets others do so) I have to push through and make it work.

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Pushing through forced me to really look deep within as always and it shocked me how little I actually believed. Wow!!! It was so much deeper than I thought and I had to walk through it and overcome. I had to find a reality that would keep producing life in and for me so that I didn’t come back to this place again. I needed to ensure that even if we come back to the belief conversation it would always be a higher level otherwise I would be like the children of Israel going round the mountain for forty years. No!!! Not Me!!

To believe means that my heart, mind and soul are on the same page… STEADFAST & SOLID on the WORD God spoke to me even when it seems it is not working, tears are flowing and my heart is lonely. It is all about being STABLE when all systems say it won’t work and I want to just break down and cry. Remember it is about the oneness of heart, mind and soul in alignment with a clear and confirmed word from God.

To believe isn’t about EMPTY WORDS or faking it till I make it. It is about burrowing down, tunnelling through the pain and pushing through the desperation and darkness because the word God gave right into my heart, mind and spirit is confirmed. It is moving forward until the words I hear and say are one and they are the confirmed truth of my life.

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To believe is to KNOW that in time, every step, breath, thought and day will get brighter and lighter. Some days are harder than others. Some days I need a hug to get through. Some days I sit in the corner smiling but my heart is crying. Some days I lean heavily on my people and their love holds me up and to account so that I can make it through. Yet in time, the WORD will become the true foundation; the pillar that holds my life.

To believe takes my walk with God to the NEXT LEVEL. It is the fuel to sate my deep desire to know, love and follow Him and be changed by the experience. I love that walking with God isn’t static. It is active, dynamic, continually growing and giving; it is challenging because it is nothing like what we give each other.

To love God fully shifts how we relate to one another because he gives a new road map.


I wake up every morning and look around my room and I am alone

I walk into my workplace, say hi to my colleagues and I am alone

I walk through the aisles in the supermarket picking my shopping and I am alone

I am sitting the table at a friends wedding laughing at all the stories but I am alone

I look across the room at my family and I am alone

I am the one entertaining you, cracking jokes and making you laugh but I am alone

I am the beauty walking past the guys turning their heads but I am alone

I am the girl dressed to the nines walking in to handle the mediation but I am alone

I am the self made business man, with every network one needs but I am alone

I see people around me with lovers and partners but I am alone

Photo courtesy of by Greyerbaby

I go home and sit on my bed and my heart breaks

I sit in my high end car with the windows tinted and closed wishing I really laughed

I look out of the window at the gardens but I just want to go away

I look through the racks of clothes looking for something new but I  know I wont feel better

I am looking at my spouse and children but it means nothing and I am alone

Alone is hard because it is a place in the heart, the mind and the soul

Alone is scary because no one knows about it and it is hard to explain

Alone is sad because I can’t share it because I keep being told to be grateful for what I have

Alone is a place I want to get out of but it has held me for so long I don’t know how

It takes more than an if you need anything call me comment

It needs more than let’s make time some day

It takes a lot to build the trust needed to keep things going

It is an all or nothing situation for me but maybe not for the other person

It is harder that anything I have dealt with

One day I may just need a long, pure hug…no expectations, strings attached or questions…just a hug

Another day I may need a long honest conversation…no judgment, shock or lies

The next day I may need a place to dump it all safely with no fear it will reappear beyond here

Yet another day I need to know I have someone in my corner who care about me no matter what

And another day, it would be a call and the refusal to let me hide in the background and dark

Picture courtesy of by josealbafotos

Don’t walk past me just because I look fine, but only ask how I am if you really want to know

Don’t accept blaze answers that sound good if you doubt them push me to tell you all

Don’t let my smile to confuse you about the state of my heart if you can see the look in my eyes

Don’t go away if you doubt I am not well I may not know how to ask for help

Come sit with me sometimes in silent other times in conversation

Take time to listen to me, really listen, listen to understand not to respond

Learn more about me by listening, watching, asking

Walk with me just alongside, holding my hand, an arm around my shoulder

Pray for me to find the strength to deal with the state of my life

Because ALONE is not where I want to stay…it is just where I am


It sounds strange but there are and have been many times in the middle of a crowd or active work and project that people feel alone. It can feel like standing on a sand dune in the middle of the Sahara in the middle of a scorching day and no one can hear your cry for help. It didn’t matter that one would be in the middle of conversations and programs doing well keeping everyone happy but in all truth it is as if they are standing alone.

It is important to be aware of the people around us even when it all looks well. If you have a concern about a friend or family member, reach out even when they say they are fine keep coming back. Don’t badger them all at once but let them know that they are important to you and you are not going away. If you cannot be consistently available or can no longer cope being the support structure, be honest with your person and walk away. When we are honest with ourselves about our abilities and capacities to support one another, we give each other a fair chance to be whole or at least aware what is available to them.

Don’t walk alone and don’t let someone else walk alone.

Shock At The Tomb

Imagine the scene at the tomb…the Chief Priests think they have won this round. Jesus is dead and buried and they have permission to secure another man’s tomb with the royal seal and post guards on round the clock duty so the disciples can’t steal his body and say he is risen.

I imagine they retire to gloat and laugh about the events of the day and this mad man who claimed to be great and a miracle worker who couldn’t save himself and died like a thief. In fact for all accounts he died too fast. The guards are laughing about how His disciples scattered in Gethsemane and how they cried at the cross. It’s likely no one is talking about the curtain that ripped and what it could mean.

Ha! They’ve got all bases covered… Or do they?

The soldiers are chilling, shooting breeze, comparing stories of the past three days and the seven before that. How the shouting got this guy crucified. How a murderer was set free. How lucky the guy who got the clothes was. Wondering what their next assignment would be and how boring it was to guard the cave…oopps grave of a dead lunatic. They chill there sitting in groups watching the four corners lest those crazy Jew’s spring a trap and ambush them to steal the body.

All systems go, all men alert….or were they?

I think of Joseph of Arimathea wondering what happened to this great man that His power was snapped out when He needed it the most.

They are all totally unaware that heaven is galvanising, planning, putting things in place for a showdown. Oh a big throw down is coming as

Then it happens…..

A tremor, they look at each other. Another one… It can’t be. They look around for the approaching but the forces are unseen, under their feet and all around them, shifting the atmosphere, moving things around underground. What is this there was no earthquake warning

Then it hits, an earthquake…bigger than they have ever known. The whole hill shakes, the ground shifts so those who are standing fall and some injure themselves with their weapons aimed at the would be thieves called disciples. Yet the disciples aren’t coming because of fear.

They can feel it, hear it and see it. The rumbling, the shaking. The seal pops off and hits one on the head and the restraints on the door snap like young twigs on a tree and they all turn to the grave. The stone that many worked together to install begins to roll away on it own as if spun by an invisible hand inch by inch till it is open.

clouds during golden hour

Photo by Sindre Strøm on

Then they see it…jaws drop, screams are heard and some fall to the ground. There’s no body! Oh No! The grave is empty. What where did he go? Is there a secret passage to the grave?

BOOM! A flash of light! Then a creature bathed in light, beautiful and brilliant sitting on the stone looking at them fiercely.

The terror sets in, fear grips their hearts, their minds shut down for a moment then they take off like they have seen a ghost leaving their weapons and outer clothing in a bid to get as far away from the madness. Auto pilot kicks in taking them back to their garrison and into their corners, shaking, still seeing the light of the creature, hearing the volume of the stone rolling away, terrified beyond their wits end.

The terror of the happenings overrides the fear of losing their jobs because they abandoned them post. Who would stay there with all these antics. Not believing what they heard, did and just saw and they resorted to lies and foolishness but their denials didn’t change the facts. The disciples didn’t steal the body. The angel actually appeared. Christ is indeed risen.

abstract beach bright clouds

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Truly the Son of God that saves the sins of the world was intent on saving and did everything he had determined to do.

He sends out an invitation to walk with God. A demand and a call that you come closer. Choose closer: you will never regret it.

#NoExcuses #NoLimitations #Easter

Mind On Task

I have learnt that I can do more than I ever thought possible if I just set my mind on the task.

The life shift process of the past fifteen months has been so profound and it helped me really dig deep and find strength and resolution from within. I have had a lot of fun watching myself move from I don’t know how or I don’t think I can to let me try and wow, I just did. It has been really intense to move from no workout to jogging.

Every day when I am jogging and keeping pace even if it is slow, I remember one of my sisters who couldn’t run because of knee issues and now is able to do twelve laps around a regular running track. I remember stories of how it would be the focus on the next step, then the next corner, then the next lay until the body takes over and intuitively leads through the workout. I am learning that there are many things I will now achieve.

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It all made more sense this week as I listened to Vusi Thembekwayo talk about three things that help us keep on track namely, focus, discipline and consistency. The one that stuck with me is Focus. My definition of focus is paying concentrated attention on something you want to achieve.

Vusi explained that when we focus on what we are doing, the mind does several things:

  1. Makes the target bigger: more visible, more prominent, brings it into the place my mind can see it and draw it into my space. It brings it into my area of focus over and over and reminds me what I am looking for.
  2. Gathers in all the information needed: starts looking for what I need to know about the choice I have made; it filters important information in. The information flows in conversation, reading material, online research in ways that are more inters than before.
  3. Cuts out all information it deems unimportant: it moves past all distractions and potential time wasters. I will lose interest in things that will take me off track. I could fail to see things that would distract me or detract from my focus.

This is big because as the mind pin points, gathers and removes, the goal becomes clearer and every day the goal comes closer. This process also ensures that there are splits from people and things that are in the way of the goal and we must adjust to stay true to your journey.

I look back, and can see how my mind has dealt with the need to up my exercise game. I know that if I can do a walking exercise video, I can walk outside. If I can walk then I can jog and if I can jog I can run. I know when I have to increase my distance I can set a pattern of interval training that works. I know I have to do it at least five times a week so every day my body bugs me until I toe the line. It isn’t easy but it is worth it; and that is the big thing

Nothing worth doing or having comes easy.

There is process and diligence needed to move from point A to B and as long as I am willing and able to do the work then there are unlimited options to how my life will turn out. As I learn these lessons, I realise that no matter what I read, listen to or watch, the change only happens when I decide to put my mind, body and soul into the process and do the work to get there.

I am stepping in and going forward because no one can be me and actualise all that God has demanded that my life produce. I am becoming accountable once again to the call on my life and responsible for the task assigned to me.

Growing up and loving it.

Living Honestly

I have discovered that I don’t know as much as I think I do and it has been very liberating to admit that it.

I have a soon to be twelve year old son whom I call my young king. He is the most amazing young man but is also challenging to raise because he is brilliant and has acceleration. As he is getting older, he is more confident and tells me things I couldn’t tell my mother until I was in my 30’s. Last year in a conversation as we were driving, he turned and interrupted me saying, ‘…but mum, you are always mean to so and so.’ BOOM!!!! I know, that could be an abomination in some quarters but in our conversations, as long as you can explain your point you get heard so I took a deep breath and asked him to explain.

We talked out the matter and he pointed out actual situations where my dealings with the person in question were actually selfish and according to what I wanted with little or no regard to what was good for them. In fact, in that situation, it was always my way or the highway and of course I got my way time and again.

What is interesting to me is that even though we think our offspring don’t notice our behavior, they are keenly aware of what we think and like therefore know how to deal with us better than we think. We think we have a certain measure of control or we are solid but they can see through the cracks and build their lives around our responses. They know from experience how we will respond to each situation and they meet us step for step.

I have come to understand that parenting is about me growing up and living truly as me and teaching him the same instead of giving him a list to live by. I have already established that living by the smart point system I grew up doing doesn’t work so as I live true to how God made me and who He says I must become is the best classroom for the young king to become the same. It also opens up honest discussions about the realities of my faith and how it is applied practically and helped him develop a faith that is his own.

This means that we talk a lot and we go to many places together and he knows everyone who is important to me. It also means that I have deliberately built a village of people around us who love God and ask God about how to deal with us and respond as instructed and who we ask God about and respond appropriately. It means that I am not the only person of authority in his life and therefore I am accountable for every action I take. It also means that I have backup and support to deal with issues I cannot understand so there is always help.

That my friends, is the best way to live; connected, vulnerable and accountable to be everything God has said you must be. #NoExcuses #NoLimitations

Running To The Shift

Pushing past the limits in our minds can be a daunting task at times. When I began the life shift, I knew one thing was for sure…I wouldn’t do was run. Yes! I was absolutely clear that was one thing I would never do no matter what. You see, the last time I run, was in my third year in high school when I used to be on the cross country team. It is hard for some to believe but yes, once upon a time I ran cross country and I was good.

Today marks fifteen months and twenty one days since we began the work of shifting my life and I can say without blinking that the best days are ahead of me. Several months ago, I tried adding jogging to my routine and stopped after a few steps because of pain in my chest and left ankle. It was hilarious how quickly I stopped when I remembered how much trouble I have had with my left leg. Somehow it is the one I have injured most. In 2017 I twisted the ankle twice between Jan 30th and Feb 28th then I dropped a pallet on my first toe in late November only to severely twist the angle again in Feb 2018 that I had to change my workout.

I promised myself that I would never do high impact exercise.

As I watched myself, I realised balance was a challenge as I started walking because of my left ankle. Many roads in my neighbourhood are murram and I often slipped on the uneven gradient and on little stones. It was tempting to stop all activity but something in me would not let go. I remember telling coach I was scared I wouldn’t be able to do many exercises and he simply said,

‘Do what you can for now and grow the range slowly. ‘

So I started walking and have reached three to six kilometres at least five days a week for about six months. Recently, my body begun asking for more intensity. I don’t do the gym so the only option right now is to add running…terror!!! What fascinated me is how easily my mind moved from terror to ok, let’s do this. Simple sign that I had grown. Oh I loved it.

Photo by Aditya Aiyar on

I realised I won’t wake up running so I started with intervals of alternating a three hundred metre jog and walk until I covered the daily distance. In time, the walking distance is shortening and the jogging increasing. I have learnt to keep a set pace for a set distance and gradually increase the pace. Initially I kept to the routes that are tarmac but I have added the gravel roads closer to my home because there is less traffic and fewer distractions that allows me to really focus on the task.

I now understand that my life is school and school gets incrementally harder. I now see every session as a class and look for something to learn that will lead to permanent shifts. It is intense because there’s lots of processing as I zone into the jogging. Sometimes insight comes through during the hardest sections of the run. It is as if my mind fires on all cylinders when my body is pushing itself beyond its comfort zone. This is the most unexpected class and I love the lessons.

Coming To The Table

Recently an excursion to the mall flipped a switch in me. We were in the parking waiting for a delivery and the lady bringing the item arrives and says a glowing hi to my sister then turns and introduces herself to me. I know her from our youth but I haven’t seen her in at least a decade. Now, remember I have changed and I was shielded by a Fedora hat and sunglasses so she doesn’t recognise me.

I smile and say, “Hi, I’m Kyesubire.”

“Look at you! Why are you hiding yourself? How are you? It has been a long time!” she gushes, pulling off my sunglasses and sharing a hug. She had absolutely no idea who I was until I introduce myself. We chatted for a bit then parted as she left the premises and we went into the supermarket.

Photo by Henry & Co. on

As we walk out towards the car, I notice a gentleman reaching into the boot of a silver Mercedes and I’m blown away when he turns to close the boot with the right bag for shopping in hand. He’s tall, has kind eyes, a partly grey beard and very stately posture. He could easily fit the bill of tall, dark and handsome. I know right? You need to stop shaking your head… I do appreciate God’s creation.

Just so I don’t get caught looking, I turn to follow my sister when I hear him say, “Hi Kyesubire.”

It startles me because he says it right with emphasis in the right places. For those who don’t know: Kyesubire is pronounced Chesubvire with a very soft ‘bv’ pronunciation. I have long gone by the short form Kyesse, pronounced Chess, but let me just put it out there, the days of that short form are numbered…very numbered, so start adjusting.

Anyway, back to the story…

My head was spinning for a long moment because I have no idea who he might be. All the same, I stopped, turned back slowly said hi, chatted for a few minutes and then ⚡⚡ boom! It hits me like a bolt of lightning. I remember his name. Whoop, whoop! I just want to scream, shout and dance around the parking. You can only how it is if you have met someone you cannot remember a name yet you were friends as kids? Imagine my surprise because even though, I haven’t seen him for 6+ years, he even remembers where we last met and what I was doing.

It surprised me that even with the Fedora hat and cool sunglasses I wore, he knew me; I was instantly recognisable. Yes! I am recognisable. (Cue happy dance, in my head at least before I heard Papa say, calm down…this isn’t it.

He’s aged well from our more youthful days when we bullied each other, sung in choir, attended bible club and simply played or hangout during our free time. He shared stories of traveling and meeting the parents of others in the group and being reminded that they weren’t old when we were growing up. They were our age, working their fingers to the bone to provide for us just like we are doing for our children.

As we left the mall and headed back home, my mind was racing, processing, searching, asking, wondering, when did one recall and the other didn’t? My thoughts circled back to the fact that despite all the changes growing up has created, one had no recall while the other had instant recall…what caused the difference? Is it even a big thing?

This life isn’t about who remembers you or not, likes you or not, talks to you or not, it is about being and doing you as God has revealed to you. What are the odds that a guy I’m chatting with God about is His son on assignment to remind me something? What if our conversation was to answer a question and lend strength to another? What needs to shift in my mind from that conversation?

I settle into a stock take moment about life and what I bring to the table.

Photo by Mat Brown on

The only thing I bring to the table is what God has planned and asked me to bring. There is Kyesubire shaped gap in my immediate world and I must rise up and fill it according to the manufacturers design. I cannot want to do what others are doing or be someone else because the gap I am to fill will be empty and that isn’t a good thing for the world.

Each one has to do their part so that all of us can reach the peak of our communal impact. I choose to live consistently on the upper hand to know the action demanded by God for each situation and bring that on board for the good of the community.

I so love God.