It is interesting that finding random inspiration from conversations has become my forte these days.
A dear friend asked me why I love control so much. And I was totally miffed for a moment, but he kept asking the question until I had to process what he was saying. It was not a formal accusation as I had thought at first, it was a genuine issue. It was clear that I did not know how to be the one taking orders or the one being questioned. I only knew how to be the lead, the first, the front…the one. It also became clear that my inability to be led was because of a very deep-seated fear of letting go and losing control.
I stepped into an exceedingly difficult classroom for a few weeks.
The curriculum was remarkably simple: give full authority over a certain situation to someone else.
The first few days…I had panic attacks and deep anxiety. I caught feelings when my lead would not answer my questions. I waited for instruction on some matters until the end of the final hour and just before I despaired the response came. I gave up the right to plan the activities and simply waited for them to decide and give instructions. I sat in the corner silently many times during conversations because I needed to learn to listen and hear what others were saying. I learnt to be still and unbothered with the things of life, focused on and driven by the truth of who I am and the purpose for which I came to this world.
My lead was significantly younger than me, so I had to acknowledge and let go of many biases I was completely unaware of before the fact. I had to learn to listen to what the person is saying and not judge them by their age. I had to trust that they knew what we were doing and where we were going even if I could not see it. I had to understand that even when they did not respond to questions or comments, it was not being mean…it was just life. I had to let go of the bias that I am the only one who knows where I want or need to go so, I must captain my ship.
I learnt that I listened to answer not to respond. I learned that I was not the best communicator around. I learned that I had so many preconceptions in my mind that clouded the realities of life and tainted my worldview. I discovered I was disrespectful and brash in certain situations. I was dismissive of people who I did not think had much to say or who had failed me in the past. I learnt that I loved absolute control meaning I had never learnt to trust people who lead me making it impossible to lead me. Finally, I discovered I was disobedient, and it was very costly in my life.
Over the weeks we worked together, I learnt many things as follows:
- There is absolute beauty in obedience, submission and following the lead of a worthy leader.
- A worthy leader inspires others to follow them because leadership is influence.
- I do not have to have full control or even any control in relationships built on trust and love.
- Submission and obedience are a response to love and security.
- I will do anything for any leader who proves themselves worthy of their title.
- I loved the feeling of being covered, defended, and protected from the elements of life.
- I knew love, concern, and care like I had not experienced in a while.
- I received healing of my mind, body and should because I was simply doing what I needed to do not what e everyone else has not done
Healing comes from some of the most unexpected places, but I have learnt that is the best kind of healing because it sinks to the depths of our souls and if allowed, it will percolate there until it is fully in the bloodstream and there is nothing that can be done to remove it from my life. This was only the start of a journey and I celebrate the steps I have taken to get here, and the steps being taken in the days to come.
Healing has a way of sneaking up on us and changing our whole internal infrastructure making us sweeter, softer, gentler, happier, and more gracious in our love for and dealing with life. Have you found healing in an interesting place? Please share with us in the comment section.