I mentioned in an earlier post that my responses to life could be traced back to trauma from things that happened to me when I was younger. My need to be strong affected how I view people and what I expect from them. It also tainted how I expected people to support my growth and success and how I supported them. The need to be strong affected my view of my soft feminine side and even led to resentment affecting my response to the strong male. I am not talking about unnecessarily soothing the ego or deferring to foolishness. No! I am talking about learning to be a girl and allowing the men around me to be male. Where to start?
My first realisation is that there was a mismatch in the divine design for male and female.
The Male is Iysh, the one who pierces aptly represented in his genitalia but so much more. His role is to pierce all around: mentally to understand new concepts and expand the existing one, physically to cause reproduction and safety, spiritually to lead the way into the realities of God like never seen before, and economically to provide and expand the knowledge of income generation, and every other aspect of life. He is the one who sees the big picture and finds the support to fill it in. Male is designed to lead, provide and protect, with a deep desire for respect. The male is visibly strong physically and needs to build the internal temerity to be mentally, spiritually, socially and economically strong.
The Female is Iysha, the one who is pierced, aptly represented by her genitalia and so much more. She receives the seed and nurtures it to life then through life. She expands and increases all she receives. The one who sees the details of how to build the big picture and help it succeed. The one who understands the gravity of what she carries. The one who influences everything she has and uses it to grow herself and those around her. The one who provides strength and support to her assignment.
Quiet trauma that festers for so long becomes normal.
My life’s challenges that led to my trauma responses have short-circuited my ability to be led or to follow. I learned to look like I am on the team while quietly doing everything and not expect help. In my mind, I am being careful to get things done on time, but in reality, it is an effort to control the situation no matter what so that no one has the power to hurt or disappoint me.
It all starts when we go through a difficult situation and decide that we will never let anyone have that kind of power or ability to hurt us again. Often addiction becomes the tool we use to deal with the situation. Though my addiction was not to a substance, it was the need to control every situation and never find myself in a position of weakness. This addiction is as terrible as substance addiction. The reality of this trauma hiding on the inside is worse than what others see on the outside.
I now see that even as I have been quite successful to date, there have been significant barriers to my growth and success. My thoughts and defence mechanisms have created blockages that have stalled my growth. It has taken safety and an undeniably loving environment to notice the signs of trauma. This same environment is also providing the needed space to heal. I also realise this is a journey so I must give myself room to travel to the healing. Finally, I have learnt that healing and restoration take time.
I choose to heal one thought and action at a time.