Torrents of Sadness

This afternoon I saw myself through the eyes of a loved one and I didn’t like what I saw. In what I now know is a wave of grief, everything they said triggered pain and sadness to an extent I haven’t experienced in a long time. I walked out to calm myself but in the moment I saw how grief can isolate people. It was as if this person was out to get me but they weren’t. They simply did something differently from how I wanted it and I lost it. 

Grief is the most unpredictable thing on the planet. One moment you are well and operating at peak and the next you are down in the dumps in tears or just confusion. Grief is connected to every loss we experience but death seems to trigger it harder and deeper than anything else. 

When Daddy, Rt Rev Prof Michael Ssenyimba died I registered that it was a good thing because he was no longer in pain but today, my heart dropped. When my loved one did not consult me on something it triggered all the pain and rejection that I have experienced. Did they reject me? No. Were they intentionally mean? Never. Yet the pain of the past not only flooded back but triggered loneliness and loss like never before. 

The hardest thing was the feeling that I didn’t have a cover so no one would protect me. It felt like I was fatherless so now anyone can take advantage and hurt me with no care. I felt abandoned and lost, uncertain and broken, terrified that I was fully out of control. 

All those feelings are not final but they are how I felt at that moment and the only thing to do is to walk through it not away from it. My tears rarely flow on the outside but they are flowing on the inside. My heart breaks at many turns every day but I have learned not to trust the finality of the feelings but rather to question them until I understand the root. 

Today I can’t claim to be over the pain and confusion but I will not let it overwhelm or confuse me. The tears flow freely and the pain is shared with those who can help me get through the journey of the day…the rest will happen in time.

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