It is interesting that finding random inspiration from conversations has become my forte these days.

A dear friend asked me why I love control so much. And I was totally miffed for a moment, but he kept asking the question until I had to process what he was saying. It was not a formal accusation as I had thought at first, it was a genuine issue. It was clear that I did not know how to be the one taking orders or the one being questioned. I only knew how to be the lead, the first, the front…the one. It also became clear that my inability to be led was because of a very deep-seated fear of letting go and losing control.

I stepped into an exceedingly difficult classroom for a few weeks.

The curriculum was remarkably simple: give full authority over a certain situation to someone else.

The first few days…I had panic attacks and deep anxiety. I caught feelings when my lead would not answer my questions. I waited for instruction on some matters until the end of the final hour and just before I despaired the response came. I gave up the right to plan the activities and simply waited for them to decide and give instructions. I sat in the corner silently many times during conversations because I needed to learn to listen and hear what others were saying. I learnt to be still and unbothered with the things of life, focused on and driven by the truth of who I am and the purpose for which I came to this world.

My lead was significantly younger than me, so I had to acknowledge and let go of many biases I was completely unaware of before the fact. I had to learn to listen to what the person is saying and not judge them by their age. I had to trust that they knew what we were doing and where we were going even if I could not see it. I had to understand that even when they did not respond to questions or comments, it was not being mean…it was just life. I had to let go of the bias that I am the only one who knows where I want or need to go so, I must captain my ship.

I learnt that I listened to answer not to respond. I learned that I was not the best communicator around. I learned that I had so many preconceptions in my mind that clouded the realities of life and tainted my worldview. I discovered I was disrespectful and brash in certain situations. I was dismissive of people who I did not think had much to say or who had failed me in the past. I learnt that I loved absolute control meaning I had never learnt to trust people who lead me making it impossible to lead me. Finally, I discovered I was disobedient, and it was very costly in my life.

Over the weeks we worked together, I learnt many things as follows:

• There is absolute beauty in obedience, submission and following the lead of a worthy leader.
• A worthy leader inspires others to follow them because leadership is influence.
• I do not have to have full control or even any control in relationships built on trust and love.
• Submission and obedience are a response to love and security.
• I will do anything for any leader who proves themselves worthy of their title.
• I loved the feeling of being covered, defended, and protected from the elements of life.
• I knew love, concern, and care like I had not experienced in a while.
• I received healing of my mind, body and should because I was simply doing what I needed to do not what e everyone else has not done

Healing comes from some of the most unexpected places, but I have learnt that is the best kind of healing because it sinks to the depths of our souls and if allowed, it will percolate there until it is fully in the bloodstream and there is nothing that can be done to remove it from my life. This was only the start of a journey and I celebrate the steps I have taken to get here, and the steps being taken in the days to come.

Healing has a way of sneaking up on us and changing our whole internal infrastructure making us sweeter, softer, gentler, happier, and more gracious in our love for and dealing with life. Have you found healing in an interesting place? Please share with us in the comment section.

Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

I was focused on doing life

I was looking for the success I wanted

I had no time to stop and sit with people

Then I met you and everything changed

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Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

I could feel your eyes follow me around

I could sense your interest in me

I could feel the watching over me

When I met you everything changed

*

Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

It was never very big things

It was never overt gestures

It was never fancy words or places

When I met you everything changed

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Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

You held my hand and I instantly calmed

You held my hand and peace descended

You held my hand and my mind stopped racing

When I met you everything changed

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Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

Your gaze was direct and never wavered

Your eyes challenged me to be honest and true

Your look was playful and stern

When I met you everything changed

*

Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

I learnt that a smile could be felt

I understood that a smile could speak volumes

I believed that a smile changes everything

When I met you everything changed

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Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

You hugged me and I lost my breath

You hugged me and my words failed for a second

You hugged me and held on tight

When I met you everything changed

*

Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

You hugged me and my world righted

You hugged my and my heart healed

You hugged me and I found my home

When I met you everything changed

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Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

Your touch rearranged my life

Your touch transformed my perspectives

Your touch was my gift from heaven

Your touch was my healing

When I met you everything changed

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Until you, I never knew the healing power of touch

Sometimes it is just in the simple things that life changes.

She was sitting head bowed with tears welling up behind closed eyelids too scared to stand and go for prayers in front when a gentle hand was laid on her shoulder. Nothing was said, she could not see who it was but there was healing in the touch that transported her to the foot of the throne and the tears fell.

*

Later she was sitting in the front seat looking out of the window as they drove home, reasonably silent listening to the conversation. She felt his gaze and turned to him then she saw his hand shift and she just knew. Without looking down, she placed her hand in his upturned one and held on for dear life. Peace welled up in her heart and spread through her body. Sleep settled on her for a few minutes until her spirit felt more whole and grounded.

*

He was settled at his desk working away, making as much headway as he could towards his daily target when his phone lit up and chimed. A simple message from her, “Hi, I hope your day is good. God bless you.” A quiet smile, a quick response sent, “Yup.” Such a simple thing to make his day

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I am learning that in life, it is not the big things that shift our lives but the consistent small things that change how we see the world and secure our sense of belonging. I used to say I am ok on my own but 2022 has stripped me of my madness and blinders to show just how much that is a trauma response. My desire to be autonomous and stand-alone is based on things that have happened in the past that have scarred me.

Touch is powerful. Deep connection is superior

I find that as I have found that people will stay and not leave, and people genuinely like me, I have built trust and it has opened doors to healing I didn’t even know were closed. I have experienced God through people I wouldn’t have thought would be his hands and feet. I have been led onto the road of healing with a gentle hug or a stern conversation. I have seen what many would think are hard eyes that look through me to the soul and push me in the direction I need to go and bring great comfort because I know the heart behind the look.

Touch comes in many forms.

I have been touched physically with a hug, a gentle pat on the head, a hand-held, a head on the shoulder, a tickle, a palm on the small of my back, and a jab on the shoulder. I have been touched with a gaze whether playful, stern or gentle. I have been touched with a smile across the room. I have been touched in ways that my heart has known she is safe and there is room to heal and grow.

Touch restores.

Be mindful that not every touch should be accepted but understand that the right touch restores, rebuilds, renews, and regenerates. Be mindful of who touches you, know them and their motives so that you may maintain your balance. Be mindful of who you touch, let every contact you have with the world be restorative to you or to the one you touch.

Touch starts with me.

How I care for my own body determines how I expect or anticipate others to care for me. Am I gentle with my skin and hair? Do I value the way I handle myself? Am I concerned with my sense of wholeness and wellbeing? Can I truly say, I am kind to myself? Touch has to start with how I handle myself. Do I know my body well enough to feel the changes with the tips of my fingers before a doctor’s examination? Touch…tells me how well I am

Touch is game-changer…handle with care.

We were seated in the cool of the evening, chatting about life when he turned to me and said, “you need to forgive X.” My eyes popped and I ask…

What did you say?

You heard me…you need to forgive X.

Why does it always have to be me starting things? Why can’t people see when they have hurt me and just ask for forgiveness?

Why do you hold onto these feelings and refuse to forgive them? It’s a two-way street you know?

I was so done with this particular conversation I remained silent…seemingly pondering but actually stewing on the matter, then the piece below showed up on my timeline…

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#Borrowed = Forgiveness: The Double-Edged Word

Do you ever find yourself defining life by before and after the deep hurt?

The horrific season. The conversation that stunned you. The shocking day of discovery. The divorce. The wrongful death so unfathomable you still can’t believe they are gone. The breakup. The day your friend walked away. The hateful conversation. The remark that seems to now be branded on your soul. The day everything changed.

That marked moment in time. Life before. Life now. Is it even possible to move on from something like this? Is it even possible to create a life that’s beautiful again?

When your heart has been shattered and reshaped into something that doesn’t quite feel normal inside your own chest yet, the word forgiveness feels a bit unrealistic to bring into the conversation.

Forgiveness is possible, but it won’t always feel possible.

It’s a double-edged word, isn’t it?

It’s hard to give. It’s amazing to get. But when we receive it so freely from the Lord and refuse to give it, something heavy starts to form in our souls.

It’s the weight of forgiveness that wasn’t allowed to pass through.

Forgiveness isn’t something hard we have the option to do or not do. Forgiveness is something hard-won that we have the opportunity to participate in.

When I wrongly think forgiveness rises and falls based on all my efforts, conjured maturity, bossed-around resistance, and gentle feelings that feel real one moment and fake the next, I’ll never be able to authentically give the kind of forgiveness Jesus has given me.

My ability to forgive others is made possible when I lean into what Jesus has already done, which allows His grace for me to flow freely through me (Ephesians 4:7).

Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination.

Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.

Cooperation is what I’ve been missing. Cooperation with what Jesus has already done makes verses like Ephesians 4:32 possible. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgiving one another just as Christ forgave you. God knew we couldn’t do it on our own. So, He made a way not dependent on our strength. A forgiving way. A way to grab on to Jesus’ outstretched arms, bloody from crucifixion and dripping with redemption. He forgives what we could never be good enough to make right. And makes a way for us to simply cooperate with His work of forgiveness…for us to receive and for us to give.

That person or people—they’ve caused enough pain for you, and for those around us. There’s been enough damage done. And you don’t have to be held hostage by the pain. You get to decide how you’ll move forward.

If you’re knee-deep in pain and resonate with the feelings of resistance, let me assure you; forgiveness is possible. And it is good.

Not original to me…

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I am still on the journey, I have so much to work through but I know that is the best way to go for me. It is a choice I will continue to make until I am totally free and I will remain free.

I now know what it means to be covered

I want to know this peace always

I want to live in this shelter daily

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know how one can feel safe

I know how one can submit freely

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know how one can truly desire their mate

I know how one can stay joyfully

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know what it means to be loved

I know what appreciation does for the soul

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I know the warmth of honesty

I know the joy of contentment

I want to stay here always

*

I now know what it means to be covered

I know the peace of oneness

I know the strength of community

I want to stay here always

*

I now know what it means to be covered

I know the joy of honest conversation

I know the blessing of understanding

I want to stay here always

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I now know what it means to be covered

I choose to remain under his authority

I choose to believe we are good together

I want to stay here always

*

I now know what it means to be covered

I am staying right here no matter what

I am building this space

I want to stay here always

Have you ever met someone who changes your perspective in a blink? Someone who with a few words shows you the truth of who you are? I met someone just like that a while back and life as I knew it changed. Connecting the dots is sometimes really hard especially when you have lived in that situation for so long. Let me explain…

Say you were raised in a toxic family, you never know until you meet non-toxic people. As I listened to the conversations around me I begun to see pockets of madness that I had never seen before. The clincher was a burst of easily triggered and uncontrollable pain. It all started when an elder I respected said things I didn’t like about people who weren’t there and could not defend themselves. Why was he judging them? The people in question made choices he thought they shouldn’t because they should have known better about.

That was my light bulb moment…we often judge people without knowing the truth.

How many times have you judged something someone did without knowing the full details? How many times do you catch feelings of things said? How often do you say something, and someone catches feelings, and you cannot see why?

Our responses to life are usually driven from our past experiences and conditioning so when people respond in seemingly strange ways, let us cut them some slack and try and understand why. I have said this before but it has come up again because I realised that I too have judged people based on my standards and not on their lives and their conditioning.

If I have been unkind or indifferent to you, please accept my apology. If I have ignored you, please accept my apology. I did not intend to hurt you…I was just responding from what I know without reference to what you know.

I will do my best to be king from now on.

He will come through

On the day you give up

And the promises of God seem to fail

He will shock you like never before

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When you think you are at the end of yourself

And you cannot see any home

He will show up like never before

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When you are hungry and thirst

And there is no help coming soon

He will open heaven like never before

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When the land is dry

When the crops are dying

He sees and cares like never before

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When you are at the one end of the globe

And your love s on the other side

He will give you strength like never before

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When you are out of cash

And feel like nothing can change that state

He will come through like never before

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You can trust God

He will always see you through

He will come through like never before

I have had some of the most jarring conversations recently that had me and still have me evaluating my walk with God. It is possible to learn from the simplest conversations as well as be left thinking through things you have always believed in but now have to challenge your thoughts and make deeper connections to our realities.

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Do you long to be valuable?

I am valuable. So not longing for that.

I’m still working on understanding that I’m valuable

I don’t think it’s an understanding thing as much as it is an accepting thing

Acceptance comes from understanding…I think

Nope!! Understanding comes after acceptance.

🤔🤔🤔 fafanua (explain) please

I don’t think we can understand love, can you say you have understood love?

Not fully, I find new dimensions of it daily

Does a child need to understand love to accept it?

No, they feel it and once they know who loves them, they always go to them and settle there

So, is it understanding or acceptance?

Understanding

Still stuck at understanding.

🙈🙈🙈🙈. I’m torn…because the more I think about it, acceptance seems bigger

So, if to understand is to have a clear or complete idea of something…Then based on this…You have not been loved or felt or gotten or even loved anyone in all your life.

Every day this hits me on the face…

What is believing? Is it understanding?

No, it’s acceptance.

Can you understand without explanation?

No.

Do you believe Jesus died for you?

Yes.

Do you believe it was done from Love?

Yes.

Do you understand His love?

Not fully.

So, you haven’t accepted it?

Oh wow!!! I had never seen it that way

I think that’s where your block is at. You try to understand something (this literally means using your cognitive ability and intellect to bring something into a position you can fully comprehend) before accepting it. God is Love, there is no time or out of time you will be able to fully comprehend it and He has not once asked us to understand Him or His ways… Matter of fact His ways are past finding out. But He assures us that He loves us unconditionally and we should believe it, not believing it is doubting Him and His word. So your struggle with love, value and position is simply because you have put your mind as a judge of spiritual things and that will never satisfy you.

I don’t doubt His Love, yet I don’t receive it from others so does that negate it maybe…

God loves through people. If you can’t pick it from people how do you accept it from Him?

Good question

That’s like saying I take water from the City Council but not through my water meter.

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Pause and think with me…do you accept or seek to understand?