I have held out for your attention for so long
I hoped you would see me as more than one of the crowd
I longed to be the you picked
I wanted to be the one who made you happy
Yet I never was that to you
I let life pass me by waiting for you
I lost opportunities watching the door
I missed the bus looking for your car
I fell off the ladder cranning my neck
Yet it wouldn’t be
I didn’t tell you at first how I felt
I thought the depth was obvious to you
It didn’t sink in how important you were
I finally spoke but it was too late
The time had passed
I had to look together so I settled
I had to move on so I picked a person
I had to belong so I started a family
I had to deal so I walked on in life
Yet I never was
I am looking at my life honestly now
I can see the places I should have stayed
I know the choices I should have made
I hear the voice I should have listened to
I know who I should have chosen
I grasp how I could have risen
I see what I needed to understand
I am certain I made this mess
This one is on me
I wasn’t ready to let you go
I wasn’t ready to walk away
I wasn’t planning for it now
I haven’t given you warning
I just know it is time
It is time
Even as my heart is broken
Even if my mind says no
Even though tears are falling
Even as my soul feels empty
I draw a line in the sand
I get off the path
I step away from the ladder
I get out of the car and off the train
Life is shifting
I send you my goodbye in the atmosphere
I take my heart back from you
I close my mind to thoughts of you
I cover the hurts of separation
Life is shifting
When my heart is lonely, I will thank God I know how to love
When my arms are empty, I will thank God they once reached out
When my mind wanders to you, I will thank God you taught me so much
When I feel like I can’t go on, I will remind my soul it is well.
I find strength in the knowledge that it’s process
I find peace in the certainty of a future
I find balance in the arms of my Father
I find joy in the strength of my God
I am shifting
Many times I have struggled with things because I haven’t had
the capacity to go on against seemingly insurmountable odds. There have been
days when I can’t tell my right from my left hand because of the fog of
distress and I have had to find a way through and the thing that will push me
In time I have come to understand that believing makes it possible to keep going.
Daddy has always talked about how easy it is to walk with God and I always had so many questions about that. It often felt like I was working against a wall that wouldn’t move no matter how hard I prayed, lived out and confessed the words of faith and promises of God. That is really unsettling because it is the heart of life. So either I break down or something gives and because my Father won’t allow me to give up (even as he lets others do so) I have to push through and make it work.
Pushing through forced me to really look deep within as always and it shocked me how little I actually believed. Wow!!! It was so much deeper than I thought and I had to walk through it and overcome. I had to find a reality that would keep producing life in and for me so that I didn’t come back to this place again. I needed to ensure that even if we come back to the belief conversation it would always be a higher level otherwise I would be like the children of Israel going round the mountain for forty years. No!!! Not Me!!
To believe means that my heart, mind and soul are on the same page… STEADFAST & SOLID on the WORD God spoke to me even when it seems it is not working, tears are flowing and my heart is lonely. It is all about being STABLE when all systems say it won’t work and I want to just break down and cry. Remember it is about oneness of heart, mind and soul in alignment with a clear and confirmed word from God.
To believe isn’t about EMPTY WORDS or fake it till I make it. It is about burrowing down, tunnelling through the pain and pushing through the desperation and darkness because the word God gave right into my heart, mind and spirit is confirmed. It is moving forward until the words I hear and say are one and they are the confirmed truth of my life.
To believe is to KNOW that in time, every step, breath, thought and day will get brighter and lighter. Some days are harder than others. Some days I need a hug to get through. Some days I sit in the corner smiling but my heart is crying. Some days I lean heavily on my people and their love holds me up and to account so that I can make it through. Yet in time the WORD will become the true foundation; the pillar that holds my life.
To believe takes my walk with God to the NEXT LEVEL. It is the fuel to sate my deep desire to know, love and follow Him and be changed by the experience. I love that walking with God isn’t static. It is active, dynamic, continually growing and giving; it is challenging because it is nothing like what we give each other.
To love God fully shifts how we relate to one another because he gives a new road map.
I wake up every morning and look around my room and I am alone
I walk into
my workplace, say hi to my colleagues and I am alone
through the aisles in the supermarket picking my shopping and I am alone
sitting the table at a friends wedding laughing at all the stories but I am
I look across
the room at my family and I am alone
I am the
one entertaining you, cracking jokes and making you laugh but I am alone
I am the
beauty walking past the guys turning their heads but I am alone
I am the
girl dressed to the nines walking in to handle the mediation but I am alone
I am the
self made business man, with every network one needs but I am alone
people around me with lovers and partners but I am alone
I go home and sit on my bed and my heart breaks
I sit in my
high end car with the windows tinted and closed wishing I really laughed
I look out
of the window at the gardens but I just want to go away
through the racks of clothes looking for something new but I know I wont feel better
looking at my spouse and children but it means nothing and I am alone
Alone is hard because it is a place in the heart, the mind and the soul
scary because no one knows about it and it is hard to explain
sad because I can’t share it because I keep being told to be grateful for what I
Alone is a
place I want to get out of but it has held me for so long I don’t know how
It takes more than an if you need anything call me comment
more than let’s make time some day
It takes a
lot to build the trust needed to keep things going
It is an
all or nothing situation for me but maybe not for the other person
harder that anything I have dealt with
One day I may just need a long, pure hug…no expectations, strings attached or questions…just a hug
I may need a long honest conversation…no judgment, shock or lies
day I may need a place to dump it all safely with no fear it will reappear
day I need to know I have someone in my corner who care about me no matter what
day, it would be a call and the refusal to let me hide in the background and
Don’t walk past me just because I look fine, but only ask how I am if you really want to know
blaze answers that sound good if you doubt them push me to tell you all
my smile to confuse you about the state of my heart if you can see the look in
away if you doubt I am not well I may not know how to ask for help
with me sometimes in silent other times in conversation
to listen to me, really listen, listen to understand not to respond
about me by listening, watching, asking
me just alongside, holding my hand, an arm around my shoulder
Pray for me
to find the strength to deal with the state of my life
ALONE is not where I want to stay…it is just where I am
strange but there are and have been many times in the middle of a crowd or
active work and project that people feel alone. It can feel like standing on a
sand dune in the middle of the Sahara in the middle of a scorching day and no
one can hear your cry for help. It didn’t matter that one would be in the
middle of conversations and programs doing well keeping everyone happy but in
all truth it is as if they are standing alone.
important to be aware of the people around us even when it all looks well. If you
have a concern about a friend or family member, reach out even when they say
they are fine keep coming back. Don’t badger them all at once but let them know
that they are important to you and you are not going away. If you cannot be consistently
available or can no longer cope being the support structure, be honest with
your person and walk away. When we are honest with ourselves about our
abilities and capacities to support one another, we give each other a fair
chance to be whole or at least aware what is available to them.
alone and don’t let someone else walk alone.
Imagine the scene at the tomb…the Chief Priests think they have won this round. Jesus is dead and buried and they have permission to secure another man’s tomb with the royal seal and post guards on round the clock duty so the disciples can’t steal his body and say he is risen.
I imagine they retire to gloat and laugh about the events of the day and this mad man who claimed to be great and a miracle worker who couldn’t save himself and died like a thief. In fact for all accounts he died too fast. The guards are laughing about how His disciples scattered in Gethsemane and how they cried at the cross. It’s likely no one is talking about the curtain that ripped and what it could mean.
Ha! They’ve got all bases covered… Or do they?
The soldiers are chilling, shooting breeze, comparing stories of the past three days and the seven before that. How the shouting got this guy crucified. How a murderer was set free. How lucky the guy who got the clothes was. Wondering what their next assignment would be and how boring it was to guard the cave…oopps grave of a dead lunatic. They chill there sitting in groups watching the four corners lest those crazy Jew’s spring a trap and ambush them to steal the body.
All systems go, all men alert….or were they?
I think of Joseph of Arimathea wondering what happened to this great man that His power was snapped out when He needed it the most.
They are all totally unaware that heaven is galvanising, planning, putting things in place for a showdown. Oh a big throw down is coming as
Then it happens…..
A tremor, they look at each other. Another one… It can’t be. They look around for the approaching but the forces are unseen, under their feet and all around them, shifting the atmosphere, moving things around underground. What is this there was no earthquake warning
Then it hits, an earthquake…bigger than they have ever known. The whole hill shakes, the ground shifts so those who are standing fall and some injure themselves with their weapons aimed at the would be thieves called disciples. Yet the disciples aren’t coming because of fear.
They can feel it, hear it and see it. The rumbling, the shaking. The seal pops off and hits one on the head and the restraints on the door snap like young twigs on a tree and they all turn to the grave. The stone that many worked together to install begins to roll away on it own as if spun by an invisible hand inch by inch till it is open.
Then they see it…jaws drop, screams are heard and some fall to the ground. There’s no body! Oh No! The grave is empty. What where did he go? Is there a secret passage to the grave?
BOOM! A flash of light! Then a creature bathed in light, beautiful and brilliant sitting on the stone looking at them fiercely.
The terror sets in, fear grips their hearts, their minds shut down for a moment then they take off like they have seen a ghost leaving their weapons and outer clothing in a bid to get as far away from the madness. Auto pilot kicks in taking them back to their garrison and into their corners, shaking, still seeing the light of the creature, hearing the volume of the stone rolling away, terrified beyond their wits end.
The terror of the happenings overrides the fear of losing their jobs because they abandoned them post. Who would stay there with all these antics. Not believing what they heard, did and just saw and they resorted to lies and foolishness but their denials didn’t change the facts. The disciples didn’t steal the body. The angel actually appeared. Christ is indeed risen.
Truly the Son of God that saves the sins of the world was intent on saving and did everything he had determined to do.
He sends out an invitation to walk with God. A demand and a call that you come closer. Choose closer: you will never regret it.
I have learnt that I can do more than I ever thought possible if I just set my mind on the task.
The life shift process of the past fifteen months has been so
profound and it helped me really dig deep and find strength and resolution from
within. I have had a lot of fun watching myself move from I don’t know how or I
don’t think I can to let me try and wow, I just did. It has been really intense
to move from no workout to jogging.
Every day when I am jogging and keeping pace even if it is
slow, I remember one of my sisters who couldn’t run because of knee issues and
now is able to do twelve laps around a regular running track. I remember
stories of how it would be the focus on the next step, then the next corner,
then the next lay until the body takes over and intuitively leads through the
workout. I am learning that there are many things I will now achieve.
It all made more sense this week as I listened to Vusi Thembekwayo talk about three things that help us keep on track namely, focus, discipline and consistency. The one that stuck with me is Focus. My definition of focus is paying concentrated attention on something you want to achieve.
Vusi explained that when we focus on what we are doing, the
mind does several things:
Makes the target bigger: more visible, more prominent, brings it into the place my mind can see it and draw it into my space. It brings it into my area of focus over and over and reminds me what I am looking for.
Gathers in all the information needed: starts looking for what I need to know about the choice I have made; it filters important information in. The information flows in conversation, reading material, online research in ways that are more inters than before.
Cuts out all information it deems unimportant: it moves past all distractions and potential time wasters. I will lose interest in things that will take me off track. I could fail to see things that would distract me or detract from my focus.
This is big because as the mind pin points, gathers and removes, the goal becomes clearer and every day the goal comes closer. This process also ensures that there are splits from people and things that are in the way of the goal and we must adjust to stay true to your journey.
I look back, and can see how my mind has dealt with the need
to up my exercise game. I know that if I can do a walking exercise video, I can
walk outside. If I can walk then I can jog and if I can jog I can run. I know when
I have to increase my distance I can set a pattern of interval training that
works. I know I have to do it at least five times a week so every day my body
bugs me until I toe the line. It isn’t easy but it is worth it; and that is the
Nothing worth doing or having comes easy.
There is process and diligence needed to move from point A
to B and as long as I am willing and able to do the work then there are
unlimited options to how my life will turn out. As I learn these lessons, I realise
that no matter what I read, listen to or watch, the change only happens when I decide
to put my mind, body and soul into the process and do the work to get there.
I am stepping in and going forward because no one can be me
and actualise all that God has demanded that my life produce. I am becoming
accountable once again to the call on my life and responsible for the task
assigned to me.
I have discovered that I don’t know as much as I think I do and it has been very liberating to admit that it.
I have a
soon to be twelve year old son whom I call my young king. He is the most
amazing young man but is also challenging to raise because he is brilliant and
has acceleration. As he is getting older, he is more confident and tells me
things I couldn’t tell my mother until I was in my 30’s. Last year in a
conversation as we were driving, he turned and interrupted me saying, ‘…but
mum, you are always mean to so and so.’ BOOM!!!! I know, that could be an
abomination in some quarters but in our conversations, as long as you can
explain your point you get heard so I took a deep breath and asked him to
out the matter and he pointed out actual situations where my dealings with the
person in question were actually selfish and according to what I wanted with
little or no regard to what was good for them. In fact, in that situation, it
was always my way or the highway and of course I got my way time and again.
interesting to me is that even though we think our offspring don’t notice our behavior,
they are keenly aware of what we think and like therefore know how to deal with
us better than we think. We think we have a certain measure of control or we
are solid but they can see through the cracks and build their lives around our
responses. They know from experience how we will respond to each situation and
they meet us step for step.
I have come
to understand that parenting is about me growing up and living truly as me and teaching
him the same instead of giving him a list to live by. I have already
established that living by the smart point system I grew up doing doesn’t work
so as I live true to how God made me and who He says I must become is the best
classroom for the young king to become the same. It also opens up honest
discussions about the realities of my faith and how it is applied practically
and helped him develop a faith that is his own.
that we talk a lot and we go to many places together and he knows everyone who
is important to me. It also means that I have deliberately built a village of
people around us who love God and ask God about how to deal with us and respond
as instructed and who we ask God about and respond appropriately. It means that
I am not the only person of authority in his life and therefore I am
accountable for every action I take. It also means that I have backup and
support to deal with issues I cannot understand so there is always help.
friends, is the best way to live; connected, vulnerable and accountable to be
everything God has said you must be. #NoExcuses #NoLimitations