I am shifting

I have held out for your attention for so long
I hoped you would see me as more than one of the crowd
I longed to be the you picked
I wanted to be the one who made you happy
Yet I never was that to you

I let life pass me by waiting for you
I lost opportunities watching the door
I missed the bus looking for your car
I fell off the ladder cranning my neck
Yet it wouldn’t be

I didn’t tell you at first how I felt
I thought the depth was obvious to you
It didn’t sink in how important you were
I finally spoke but it was too late
The time had passed

I had to look together so I settled
I had to move on so I picked a person
I had to belong so I started a family
I had to deal so I walked on in life
Yet I never was

I am looking at my life honestly now
I can see the places I should have stayed
I know the choices I should have made
I hear the voice I should have listened to

I know who I should have chosen
I grasp how I could have risen
I see what I needed to understand
I am certain I made this mess
This one is on me

I wasn’t ready to let you go
I wasn’t ready to walk away
I wasn’t planning for it now
I haven’t given you warning
I just know it is time

It is time
Even as my heart is broken
Even if my mind says no
Even though tears are falling
Even as my soul feels empty

So today…
I draw a line in the sand
I get off the path
I step away from the ladder
I get out of the car and off the train
Life is shifting

I send you my goodbye in the atmosphere
I take my heart back from you
I close my mind to thoughts of you
I cover the hurts of separation
Life is shifting

When my heart is lonely, I will thank God I know how to love
When my arms are empty, I will thank God they once reached out
When my mind wanders to you, I will thank God you taught me so much
When I feel like I can’t go on, I will remind my soul it is well.

I find strength in the knowledge that it’s process
I find peace in the certainty of a future
I find balance in the arms of my Father
I find joy in the strength of my God
I am shifting

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