Today has been a hard day as have been many others and nothing anyone has said makes me feel better. I can no longer sit here looking happy and need to find peace with God or go mad. Yes…peace with God or go mad…I need to get away from everyone and focus…I need focus…
Can I say that I am feeling lost and confused today? I have had so many conversations with so many people off late but there are still so many questions in my mind. The biggest question in my mind right now is this one…Why do we think that it is well only when things are working?
Let me explain. I have so many things going on around me. Some of my friends are sick, some people are struggling with marriages, some are in very challenging jobs, some of them cannot find jobs yet we are praying and trusting you to make things work. It almost feels as if we are doing something wrong but I am sure that we are on the right track. However, the reality of this life is that many of us have lost hope because it is as if you have forgotten us.
I know for a fact that Lord You are with us and have been with us all the time yet I often wonder what is going on around me. I have little things working and blessings coming but I want bigger things and there isn’t much of that going on around me. When we don’t have or when our prayers are not being answered God, does that mean that You aren’t with us or does it mean we have lost our way? I am believing You for things and they aren’t coming…does that mean that I have sinned or failed or am missing something? Why do we think that You are only in the good things? Why do we see lack, hardship and wilderness experiences as not possibly from You? Is there truth to that thought process or are we on our own tangent? How do we understand the truth that You are the only one who determines the place of things in life?
Lord, I have so many questions. Is this normal? What does it mean to believe in You no matter what is going on around us? How do I learn to believe that whether I lack or have You are with me? Where is it written that life has to be smooth to be with You? Why do we get taught that You are only in the good when all things are going well in life? Weren’t You in the storm with Jesus and the disciples? Weren’t You at the cross with Jesus? Weren’t You with Paul in prison? Weren’t You on Patmos with John? Weren’t You with Jesus when he was being flogged? Wasn’t there good in Your plan for him? Can there be value in my life and still have challenges in it? Can I find peace in the midst of the storm and sleep like Jesus did? Can I become like Christ who said in the garden, ‘Not my will but yours be done?’ Why do I feel like I am losing a grip on life?
Daddy says that we must test every situation with the question ‘What does this mean in God’s scheme?’ He talks a lot about being sure that he is where You need him to be and has no doubt no matter the challenge. I don’t really understand what that means or how it actually works. Too often it sounds like a pipe dream, an impossibility, a mirage, an empty place. That said, I desperately want to understand what is going on and find my place in the plan of God.
Please Lord, this me…Jean asking you for help…please let me know soon…
What do you need to clear with God? Take the time to sit at His feet and hear directly from Him. He speaks all the time we just have to take time to listen.