Facing Herself


There was a moment of silence at the table as Jean and Carol stared at each other, finally, Carol calmed down and Jean turned to Sue

But what happened to make you leave?

I had to make a choice, either remain, go mad and possibly die or leave, find myself in God then figure how to rebuild my family.

How did you get there?

Well, when I look back, my bad behaviour begun a long time ago.

You see…I told you it was here fault. Carol jumped in

Carol, one more snide comment and you will leave this table. Go on Sue.

When I was young I learnt that if I threw tantrums I could get what I wanted from anyone and no one ever said no to me. I made the point to note anyone who would not bow to my demands and made them so miserable that they either left or did what I wanted. I was called persuasive and a go-getter but in reality, I was a manipulative spoiled brat. I set my eyes on Bob when I was in high school and he had no peace or hope to avoid me.

How?

Well, I knew his cousin and so I quickly found out what he wanted in a woman and became that. I was meek and polite but I silently manoeuvred and manipulated him.

Carol rolled her eyes and was about to say something when Jean looked up…

Psshhh…not a word Carol….go on Sue

I was so used to manipulating everyone that I didn’t realise how many people I had hurt. When the twins arrived, I couldn’t deal with them because I couldn’t manipulate them. My mother kept telling me to train them but how could I train them when I was off the hook untrained? I couldn’t keep nannies so the house was full of strife. The pressure eventually broke me and one day I took it out on my boss.

What?

Yup…I said some nasty things and quit my job in a huff expecting I would go out and get another job.

Did it work out?

Not at all! When I got home and told Bob about it, he lost his temper for the first time in the fifteen years and gave me an earful and then some. At the end of the discussion I was sulking and he was angry and it went downhill from there. I had never thought about money so in a few weeks I was broke and Bob wouldn’t give me money if couldn’t account for it. I sent out my resume to places but nothing came through. My life fell apart because of my behaviour but I couldn’t see it.

You couldn’t see it?

Of course not! All my life I had blamed others. Someone else did this or that or didn’t do this or that or said this or that or didn’t say this or that…the list was endless and no one told me otherwise.

What made you realise your part in it?

I didn’t realise my part for a long time because I was angry at the world.

Why?

No one was checking on or talking to me…they all went on with their lives.

No one checked on you at all?

Well, there was a neighbour who came every week but all she wanted to do was pray and I wasn’t into that kind of stuff.

How can you say that and you were a Christian?

Well, I was a Christian in name not practice. I was raised in a Christian home, I went to church, did bible study but it hadn’t changed me.

Why?

Well, what had God done for me till then? How had he helped my life?

He gave you life every day…wasn’t that enough?

At that point, I figured I had life because I ate well and took care of my body not because of God. Instead, I went on a rant and rave and got into so many things I’d rather not talk about trying to deal with the pain. It was all useless yet now I see that God allowed it to fall apart so I had to make peace with him.

So what happened?

I got angrier and we fought more daily since fighting was the only leverage and control I had. Eventually, Bob’s mum moved in to help with the twins because no nanny would stay. She slowly took over the running of the home and I got angrier. I gave Bob an ultimatum of me and the kids or his mum.

Wow…what did he do?

He changed the ultimatum to me and the kids or his mum and the kids then chose his mum and the kids.

Wow!

Now I know that it was for my good but that day I lost it and I picked a knife to stab him. He stood there unflinching and said, “Go ahead if you think that is what is best for our family. Just remember that my mother is the twin’s guardian and she will get them and raise them while you rot in jail.”

I suddenly saw the truth of my life and cracked. I cried and didn’t leave my bed for more than a week before he decided he it was enough and told me to style up or get out. By then, I had realised I did nothing in the home and my children didn’t even know I was in bad shape so I decided to leave and get myself together.

Wow…will you go back to your family?

I don’t know…I don’t know if they will want me back

Of course they will…you are their wife and mother!!! Carol exclaimed

Yes…but I have earned the dislike that is coming to my place.

***********************************************

Do you know where you are in your life’s walk? Are you aware of the things that you do that are stalling or accelerating your life?

 

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