Sue, what do you me when you say that?
You said and I quote, “I had to make a choice, remain and go mad and possibly die or leave, find myself in God then figure how to rebuild my family.”
I had to make the choice.
If I stayed I would hate myself more and more or I could leave and find healing then hopefully come back and help them
Where did you go?
I called an old friend who I hadn’t talked to for more than ten years
And she helped you out?
You called a male friend?
I had alienated the ladies I was certain no one would help me
Well, he listened to me for about five minutes and knew that I needed more help than he could give so asked me to wait a bit. He called me back half an hour later, gave me the name of a cab guy who would pick me up and take me to a place I could get help.
Where was that?
It was like a halfway home for recovering addicts
Sure…why the shock Carol?
Well, you weren’t an addict
Well, not in the conventional sense but I was addicted to blaming people and I was severely depressed so I needed help
How long were you there?
Oh, I still live there…eighteen months later
I don’t have anywhere to go and I still need a lot of help
How do you pay for the care and accommodation they have given you?
It is actually a free facility
How is it free?
Well, there are anonymous donors who keep the place running and I know the owner is always looking for funding to keep it open
What happened there?
I was able to sit first with a Psychiatrist who assured me that I wasn’t any more mad than the next person and all we needed to do was work through some issues. He only gave me mild muscle relaxants to rest and sleep the referred me to the counsellor
Did that help?
Oh, that is where healing started. She asked very hard questions and at the start I would throw tantrums and even throw things around the room just to get my way but she never gave it to me. I stomped my feet, cried, threatened to run away and she told me I could leave because after all I had come in voluntarily. It only made me mad. However, after about two months I suddenly realised that I was slowly changing and growing and becoming more settled in my mind and heart. I really had time to look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw at all. So I began to beg and bargain with God to change me and I would do this or that for him
Did that work?
Of course not! Don’t you know God? He doesn’t bargain with people.
So what happened?
Gradually, I learnt that God is supreme and I had to get on board and understand His love and plan for me then work with Him. I was shocked to find the transformational power of God’s love.
What do you mean?
When I begun to understand that God loves me just because…I realised just how lost I had been before.
I was raised believing that God would bless me if I did certain things and avoided other things. I believed that as long as behaved well God would bless me and the blessings would be visible and tangible. It would be in material things that everyone around me would see. It would be so evident that others would draw to be like me and follow in my steps. I never realised that I was setting myself up for failure all the time
I was basing my faith more on works than anything else. I based my depth with God on going to church, not drinking alcohol, clubbing and other similar things. I decided that I could share people’s stories as prayer items and I wouldn’t be gossip. I could talk about things with a sense of superiority and it was ok because those who know God are better than those who don’t. I defended my behaviour believing that I was right because we were many of us on the same road.
So you are saying that God doesn’t bless us for what we do?
Nope! He blesses us because he chooses to. I came across Deuteronomy 7:7-9 one day 7 “The Lord did not love you and choose you because you were greater in number than any of the other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. 8 But because the Lord loves you and is keeping the oath which He swore to your fathers, the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed (bought) you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt. 9 Therefore know [without any doubt]and understand that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God, who is keeping His covenant and His [steadfast] lovingkindness to a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments;
God loves and chooses us because He promised our father Abraham that he would. His love for us is eternal and unchanging but we have to choose to walk with Him, live in daily communion with Him and follow in His way. We must listen to His servants speak but like the Bereans of old, check everything that is taught against scripture. That way we will move in the right direction
So that is what has helped you get well?
Yes. I finally looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I had also come to understand all I needed to do was truly trust God and allow Him to change my life. So I asked God to come into my heart and change it and make me different and the journey began.
Is it over yet?
Nope! It is a daily walk getting deeper and deeper every day.