For once I didn’t have to sugar-coat anything. I didn’t have to say something I didn’t mean. I didn’t have to hide the sadness and fear in my heart. I laid my head on my Father’s chest and cried my heart out. It had been years since I let go like this. It was even longer since I trusted anyone with the full truth of me. It had been the one thing I longed to do but knew no one who would take me fully as I was.
It was the very first time I had been honest with God without fear of retaliation. Yes, I said retaliation.
I always knew He was a just God, a consuming fire, a righteous judge, the King, the Lord, the One who couldn’t stand sin so how could I ever tell Him my sinful truth. If I told Him wouldn’t He just judge me and cast me aside as His people were so fond of doing? Wouldn’t He just walk away in dismay because I hadn’t met the bar? Wouldn’t it just be a repeat of the life I had always lived?
Yet this time I couldn’t help it and I didn’t care.
I poured out my heart to Him bawling like a baby. I laid bare every thought I had hidden, every fear I had harboured, all the anger and frustration that had blinded me, the loneliness and sadness that crippled me, the regret that bound me, the anger that fuelled my behaviour, the sense of entitlement to His miracles, the weight that engulfed my soul and threatened to sink me like a milling stone around my neck in a pool of water.
I laid it all down about the anger of how He had left me alone and forgotten me leaving me to suffer unwarranted pain and loss; the fear that my life was a failure, a lost cause, a cess pit never to be recovered or redeemed; the frustration of living according to the rules and finding nothing but emptiness. I cried for the lost hope, dreams, faith, grace, joy; I cried for my broken heart and spirit, I cried for the loss of my life as I knew it. I cried until I had nothing left within me but silent tears falling from my eyes and then fell into an exhausted sleep.
HE changed it all.
He cried with me, He held me close and in my sleep I felt my heart begin to heal and my spirit begin to calm. The tears ceased, the brokenness and loneliness faded, the anger subsided, the peace I could not understand descended.
I didn’t know much, but I knew Papa loves me!!! That was enough