June is a special month for me because four of my people are born in June, so it is celebration all round. These are people I love deeply, they love me back, call me out and have got my back. This June is even more significant because all four have had a life altering experience less than 7 days to their birthdays and I have watched in awe how it has transformed each one.
As my people have celebrated milestones, I’ve fought many battles on my front, won some, lost others but made progress all the same. One week was particularly hard when it started with the cancellation of a meeting I’d prepared hard for, given up my rest day, travelled early and inconvenienced people around me only to have it cancelled twenty minutes past start time by text in response to my prompt as though they’d forgotten.
It has been a while since I’d been so hurt.
My blood was boiling, my heart broken, my head pounding, and my mood went totally off. My tears rose to the surface because I’d bent my life in so many directions to make this work and I wasn’t even attended to. The inflection point for me was that I was watching income fly away. Ah…it hurt. I sat in the restaurant, looking like I was reading but I saw nothing because my mind was racing. Had I done something wrong? Had I allowed my expectations to go ahead? Had I misread the seriousness of the meeting? Was I over expectant? Was I so easily expendable? Did I miss a clue, sign or hint?
My thoughts ran off on their own in many directions…remembering every other time I’d got my hopes up and they’d been dashed. Recalling every disappointment for the last many years. Analysing why someone would stand me up, decline my call, etc. Making assumptions of my level of importance, beating myself for being so hopeful, chastising myself for being eager for that new deal, getting angry with myself for counting my chicks before they hatched. AH!!!! How do you recover from such a let-down?
HEY, STOP IT!!!
Did I say that audibly? I called my mind to order as I realised this path wasn’t going anywhere. Take a deep breath I said and calm down girl. Did I do my part? Yes. Was I ready? Yes. Was I available and on time? Yes. Could I have known this would happen? No. Could I change anything on the other person’s schedule? Nope. Is that person taking me for granted? I don’t know.
I can only work with what I know for certain and here is what I know; I was asked for a meeting; I was available but an abrupt change in schedule of my colleague messed it all up. It struck me how often we assign blame to ourselves for things that are outside our league. The only thing I can manage in this space is my emotions.
Why did that cancellation hit so hard?
The cancellation hit because it brought the state of my heart to the fore. It blew the hidden realities of my heart into the limelight for me to see. It clarified the state of my being and showed me my truth. Nothing should have so much power to throw me off track but this one did. I couldn’t deny it but I would not be spending a lot of time there. The reality is I was glad to see where I was and how I felt because it gave me room to deal with me and set the stage for future situations and interactions.
It is important to find our grounding in the knowledge of who we are, what we are called to do, how far we are on the path and the assigned partners. Will we find people who disappoint us? Yes! Will we have difficult days? Yes. It took me few minutes to recalibrate and reconnect to my inner peace and strength but I did. It also taught me to be vigilant about my heart and mind, to guard my emotions, to walk away from negativity and to grow from every experience.