Tag Archives: Life

Grief is Transformative.

Grief does a number on you you will never see it coming. 

I remember on the day of laying Fathe to rest, many people came up to me saying they had wanted to come but hadn’t because they were busy and now they were out of time. Some knew he had been unwell and were prompted to come but never did. The saddest ones for me were a couple of instances:

  • Those we had specifically called because we knew they were to receive a mantle to extend from his life and they never came.
  • Those who heard and in their heart of hearts knew they needed to come but could not or did not make time.
  • Those who could not deal with the sight of this once virile man, weak, silent, and bedridden so they never came.

As I have sat in this space with different people, i find it very fascinating how grief can change people. I am saddened for those who now carry a deep and crippling sense of guilt because they did not come. I know how that burden can break some. Yet I am critically aware that there is nothing I can do that will take away their guilt. The sadness I saw in their faces was devastating but there was nothing I could do about it. Even when we said it was ok, we could not wipe out the pain and regret there. I saw people stand by the grave and stare as if they needed to have a moment to reconnect…but he was gone for good.

It is easy to hear that someone is unwell and not be able to visit them but when you feel the unction to talk to someone, do it. If your heart longs to see someone, go and see them. Whatever it is you need to do, make sure you do it. Live life without regret and free of wonder. 

Shalom.

The Retreat…

It’s easy to live life until you journey with someone dealing with health challenges. One of the most challenging ailments to navigate is Alzheimer’s dementia. I won’t look at the technical medical terms because they are overwhelming.

For many years it was just another term that meant forgetting and losing memory and oh well, it didn’t seem that bad until we traveled the journey as a family. What started simply as short-term memory loss gradually became clumsiness and ended in immobility.

It is a harrowing journey that families bear, often in silence because when they try to explain it to others, it seems like normal aging at first. I remember the first day I met someone who had been through the journey I almost cried. For once, someone got me, someone understood my questions, frustration, sadness, and sense of loss. Finally, someone had ideas for me on how to support my mother. That was priceless!!

Recently as we shared the journey with a dear family friend, it struck me just how much we could not and had not shared with the world when she just broke down and cried. You see, about ten years ago, Dad retreated from the public eye when he retired for the third and final time and that is the memory everyone had of him…strong, full of laughter, walking with a limp but walking. Yet over ten years he slowly lost every little bit of that and spent his last days in silence.

A couple of things happen when people retreat from the public eye that we never think about before that. Connections and relationships change, some are lost, some are deepened, and most go into limbo. Limbo in this case is neglect or suspension. Each one is waiting for the other to make the move to connect and many times it is too late before they are restored if at all.

If someone in your circle has gone out of circulation, find them. Even if you have nothing to say, just say hello, share love, hug them close or just sit with them. There is greater friendship in silence but the greatest thing you could do for a family in crisis is the gift of presence.

Be There…No Matter What!!

Love is Transformational

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one

1 John 4:7-11

Love may translate into a feeling but it so much more than that. It is a daily choice to get closer to God and then live out our lives as he instructs.

Love is from God

Love is instruction

Love is a Covenant

Love is a supply line

Love is a source of strength

Love is an antidote or cure for fear

Love is a measure for our walk

Love triumphs over darkness

Love is a place of rest

Love is not earned

Love is accepted

Love is intentional

Love satisfies

Do you understand who you are?

You are the beloved of God, the apple of His eye, a city on a hill that cannot be hidden, a chosen one, a king, a priest. You are loved by God and that is enough.

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Take Responsibility

Take responsibility

No one makes you mad

Even when they taunt

You choose how to respond to their jeers

Take responsibility

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No one makes you fall into sin

Even when they tempt you with the benefits

You choose whether or not to do it

Take responsibility

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No one makes you attack them

Even when skimpily or suggestively dressed

You choose to let your urges overshadow you

Take responsibility

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No one makes you fat

Even when they ply you with food

You choose to keep on eating

Take responsibility

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No one keeps you unhealthy

Even when they encourage you to skip your workout

You choose to remain on the couch

Take responsibility

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You only get one life

So live it to the fullest

Make choices that count for you

Take responsibility

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So little has changed.

This week I had a conversation with some teenagers that upset me.

One of them shared how in their school, the girls must pull their socks up and under their skirts all day so that no part of their legs is visible. Apparently, the sight of their legs can cause their male teachers to be distracted. Really?

Why was I so upset?

If you cannot see it, let me explain. Why are we making fourteen-year-olds responsible for the behaviour of adult men? Why is it their responsibility, yet it is the men who should know by now how to control their urges? This story upset me because I heard the same thing as a teenager. At the same time, the boys around weren’t taught anything about managing their appetites until they were older.

Why do we make men’s behaviour the responsibility of women?

I understand that men are visual but are we saying they cannot control their appetites? To say that they cannot control the attraction and subsequent action is to say they are wild animals; that is not true. My experience has been that as we tell girls to be decent and control themselves, we are not telling the boys anything.

It is sad to hear boys put girls down or misunderstand their actions. As a result of this misinformation, when a girl says no, many assume she means yes. When she is assaulted and raped, it is her fault. If she wears a short skirt or form-fitting dress, she asks for something sexual. When attacked, the first question is about what she wore that day. Why?

This narrative must change!

We must teach our sons to be responsible for their thoughts and resultant actions. Man is created as the priest, protector, provider and leader so that the women are under his care. How can he demand that the one he should protect is responsible for his protection? How does he turn around, assault her and make it her fault? How can he say that she is the reason he did something so nasty to her?

Let us teach our sons their role; to stand up for their sisters and not gaslight them into shame and fear. Let us train the men to stand up and defend the women and girls before they are preyed on by others. It is time to make the men responsible for their actions and those of their brothers. They must hold one another to account for their appetites and the outcome of their actions.

Today I am just sad because, on this matter, very little has changed.

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The Reality of JOY

A while back, I showed up to see a friend with a sad face. A long conversation ensued about where I was on the journey. We spoke until I could see what he meant by sadness should never take root and I should never get used to it. Funny how I hadn’t seen it before. 

How could I, a child of God, have so many sad days? How can the weight of sadness be so settled and not lifted? Did I miss something in my journey? Did all the people feeling down miss something too? How could such sadness take hold of the people and never seem to let go? Some days we smile to cover it, while on other days walk away and hide. How could such pain coexist with faith?

A lot of the sadness we carry is often from relationships. 

Life can be challenging because of how we interact with people and then how we expect them to deal with us. We hold onto those feelings and even project them onto others unrelated to that pain. It is possible to be so used to sadness that it becomes our cloak and identity. Other times, sadness is a tool in the hands of God to teach us to press into him and earn of him. It could be the place to create compassion for others. 

As I write, I see how I choose the cloak I live in; I am astounded. Everything works together in God for my good and His will. I must understand the importance of how I feel and turn it to Him. God is in control because nothing is impossible with Him. Everything happens according to his purposes and plans. 

It then struck me that JOY is critical to life, but a choice.

It is not the absence of sadness or a feeling but rather the reality of God as the driver of everything. Joy is understanding His purpose with this season and then walking with confidence. Joy is grounded in God and only understood through Him. Therefore, I must choose to connect to the Father and remain hidden under his wings. No matter how hard the things around me have been, I make a definite choice. I choose to listen; I choose to follow; I choose to become. 

I find strength in several scriptures that I will share here today:

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings, you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. Ps 91:4

The joy of the Lord is my strength, Nehemiah 8:10

For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us. 2 Cor 1:20

The name of the Lord is a fortified tower the righteous run to it and are safe. Prov 18:10

…as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises… 2 Peter 1:3-4

…Weeping may endure for a night, but [a]joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5b

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength. Prov 17:22

My journey in God is founded on and grounded in the realities of His word and His work. The promises of God will never fail. 

Shalom.

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Grow beyond comparison.

It was interesting to see how often we compare people and things. 

A while ago, I had the unfortunate experience of being judged negatively by someone else’s experience; it stung like a bee sting. It hurt because of two things. First, the intention behind the situation had nothing to do with what they thought it was. Second, I was unaware of the matrix being used to judge me. The accusation broke my heart so I walked away from the person and conversation. In the end, an honest conversation with my coach righted my thinking.

I had taken issue with the person in this instance, but I had also done the same thing to others. How often have I taken offence when someone shows us late without asking? How often do we sit in our corner and decide what someone’s silence means? How often have we determined the impact of something was because of a specific action without asking? I was shocked when I saw myself in that space.

Several things came up from my reflections:

Do not judge or assume you know why something happens: there are always factors that I cannot see in the background of every interaction, and I need to be open to hearing about them. Every person is working through something, and they may be responding from pain, fatigue or other emotions I cannot understand.

Step back and evaluate your response: Yes, you are hurt or angry. Yes, you expected something different. Yes, others have done better. However, was your response the best? Could you have done something differently? How can you deal with the frustration created by the situation? What can you learn that will shift your response next time?

Forgive: We forgive for our personal sanity and not for recognition from the other person. We do not forgive so that we can make a show of it. We forgive to reconnect to our inner balance and remain connected to God. First, forgive yourself for getting angry and lashing out since it is not part of your character. Second, if you have been a short fuse for a long time, use this opportunity to learn to be a long fuse and gracious person. Third, forgive the other person. Finally, be free.

Extend grace: reach out and find out what is up with the other person. Encourage them, pray for them, raise a banner on their behalf, and place them in the hands of God.

As I reflected, I realised that I was upset because of comparing. I was seeing the actions of this person as the same as others who hurt me in the past. Ah! How good can life be if I do not compare people and experiences? How different will my response be when I learn to allow people to be themselves and meet me free of judgement? It would be absolutely different; that is what I am pursuing. There is extreme peace that comes with letting go: such peace.

Pursue peace by letting go of comparison and thrive.

I am still on the way, but I have grown.

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I CHOOSE to learn

I stepped into a new classroom

The classroom of listening

The classroom of understanding

The classroom of following

Oh what a ride it was

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Every time I think I have learnt

I find there is more I need to learn

I find topics I need to understand

I find habits I need to learn

Oh what a ride it was

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Every time I think I have learnt

I find I need to stop more often

I find I need to write more often

I find I need to reflect more often

Oh what a ride it was

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Every time I think I have learnt

I find that knowledge has no end

I find that learning is for life

I find that a desire to grow is power

Oh what a ride it was

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I choose to keep learning

I commit to growing daily

I choose to listen more carefully

I commit to understanding

Oh what a ride it was

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Stong or Not…

Are we strong or are we hiding behind a mask?

I have been privileged to participate in conversations about past hurt and lost hope because of things that happened or others’ responses to us. I thought I was alone in this struggle until I participated in these brutally honest conversations with others. I knew life experiences change us, but I had not noticed how far back they affected many of us.

We are the product of the environment we live in and the experiences we have been through. We also choose how we will deal with the circumstances of life so moving on is a choice.

I learnt that many of my responses were and still are trauma responses. I learned that my shows of strength were a trauma response. I learnt that certain phrases I use often were double-sided trigger words.

Here are some examples of things I said and I know many of you do too:

  • I do not need people.
  • I do not need help.
  • I am good thanks; even when I am falling apart.
  • I cannot afford to fail.
  • I am stronger alone; I am better alone.
  • I can do better than everyone else.
  • I must be strong no matter what.
  • I never cry because it is a sign of weakness.

All these and many more are trauma responses. We are cultured to be strong, stable, indestructible, and unshakable.

  • Is that realistic?
  • Can one perpetually be a strong and busy warrior?
  • Can I always believe it will work on my own?
  • Can I always stand on stage without the input of others?
  • Am I a solo standing mountain, an island, a baobab tree that grew into a behemoth on its own? No!

This singular focus on being strong and always able has hampered my interactions with people. I could never understand how people were so indecisive or took so much time to think and make decisions. I fought the need to depend on anyone because others had disappointed my people and me more than once. I would assign tasks to people but always have a plan B so I could get the thing done.

Looking back, I see how I set people up to get away with a lot because I always picked up the slack. On the flip side, I was resentful when people around me could not keep their word and do their part of the deal for whatever reason.

Imagine my surprise when I realised, I had enabled this behaviour. I am a finisher and people around me know that. Whenever I am in a group or on a project, I always complete the task. People know I frequently take charge, accept it, and leave me to my devices. Yet I often stood in the corner complaining that people were unreliable. Now I know people are different and thus have different values, but could I help them grow? Not unless they want to grow.

I did not realise it yet, but I had internalised the situation, focused on being strong and accepting loads I did not need to carry. Sigh! All the unknown but deeply ingrained trauma responses seemed to make me stronger but also made me tougher to deal with. Externally, I was unshakable yet internally…it was a different story.

  • I was raging mad one moment and utterly sad the next.
  • I was happy and excited for a season and utterly lost for another.
  • I learnt to shut down and never expect help.
  • I gave off the energy that I didn’t need help,
  • I got upset when no one stepped up.
  • I lived with a deep fear of disappointment.

Often we don’t know how deeply scarred we are by life. Even more often, we lash out at people or are living with anxiety that this is from unresolved traumas from the past. I finally accepted that it is easy to look normal and still be dysfunctional because of what happened in the past.

I realised that trauma comes in different degrees depending on the causes. I learnt that I am likely as traumatised as the next person so I cannot judge them. I have learnt that I can no longer pretend that all is well. I have been affected by life’s circumstances. I need to heal. I can become more than I ever thought possible despite my past and the things that have scarred me.

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The WORD

Know the Word God gave you; 
BELIEVE; 
Speak that word every day; 
Pray the word; 
Depend on the word; 
Defend the word. 
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To contend for the word, 
Be the one who stands their ground 
STAND until the word comes to pass. 
Do not be deceived it will not be easy 
Yet it is simple; 
Just STAND. 
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Stand and don’t cede ground.
Stand in faith 
BELIEVE He is true
KNOW His Word never fails 
I t is simple;
Just STAND
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Know the Word God gave you;
BELIEVE it thoroughly;
Speak it every day;
Pray the Word;
Depend on the Word;
Defend the Word.
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The WORD produces 
The WORD performs 
The WORD changes 
The WORD fortifies
The WORD fertilises
Depend on the Word
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The WORD is reliable
The WORD is living 
The WORD is active
The WORD is a sword
The WORD is a divider 
Depend on the Word

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