Tag Archives: expectations

Under the Blankets

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Have you ever opened your bed and got in only to shiver? Yes, under the blankets it’s often very cold. All day we have been out and made things happen and then we get ready for bed and jump in then wah….it is cold. I used to wonder how to counter this. Year in year out I shuddered then I came across a couple of solutions:
1. Wear full pyjamas
2. Wear socks
3. Sit on your bed for a while before you get in

I have found that option 3 works best for me. You see, by the time I get in the sheets are warm and I can fall asleep immediately. Unlike a friend of mine who takes an hour to sleep, I like to be out in a couple of minutes tops. A warm bed does it for me.

This got me thinking about relationships. Yes, relationships. I am talking about all relationships; family, work, church, friends….any relationship in your life. How do we meet people? Do we just meet them and jump in expecting to hit it off immediately? Do we cover up our vulnerabilities slightly and sit close? Do we approach people from a safe distance and slowly but surely get to know the people before you get comfy?

I am the classic slow sit in bed kind. I never really jump in deep. Yet based on who I M, it is easy to chat and get to know people as we sit together. Of course in life I have been heart broken severally because I have assumed that the rest of the world is like me and so my expectations have been really great. As you may have guessed by now that I have experienced very deep heart ache and disappointments time and time again.

So this got me thinking and I eventually realised the pressure I was putting on people. Pressure? Of course, I wanted people to do things in a certain way, connect with me in a certain way and reach out in a certain way. Lol…as if we are all clones….Eventually though, I grew up 🙂 and learnt to let go of my expectations and learn to live in peace and comfort. This hasn’t been a piece of cake but what good thing in life comes easy? Right?

In a recent discussion with one of my friends I shared that I had reached a point in life where I no longer carry bile for people or hold grudges. In a swift rejoinder I was aptly corrected. Clarity came when my friend said that what had actually happened was that I had stopped carrying people. As we spoke, indeed I realised that he was right.

I realised that it was indeed a gradual process and I had grown up and matured over a period to get there. Most of this growth happened in the midst of great challenges that could have broken me or made me stronger. I bet you can guess which way the scale tipped. :-). Several things had to happen for this level of maturity and reality to take root as follows:
1. I had to accept myself as I am, as a special unique creation of God
2. I had to define my life, purpose, needs and path
3. I had to get comfortable in my own skin and live there gracefully
4. I had to realise that no one can be changed so I must accept them as they are so that they can accept me as I am
5. I had to release everyone from my expectations

This process is still on going but I have already found great peace, freedom and productivity. Changing the game plan for getting under the blankets has changed the way my life plays out. I am free, I am real, I am stress free.

How about you?

Expectancy

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Wasn’t it a shock for me when I sat back and realised that my experience were pegged on the wrong things and I had been setup for failure from the beginning. Let me explain.

 

We are all raised to expect certain standards from ourselves and others to enable strong and lasting relationships. We believed that there are things each of us should do that will help the relationship succeed. When the said things are not fulfilled, one would feel that the relationship is skewed unfair.

 

Recently, I read “The Shack” by Paul Young and my thought process was challenged and changed. He talks about God looking at us with expectancy not expectation. How absolutely radical! You see, expectations are standards and make us judge our relationships with others based on what either one of us are supposed to do and achieve. When the ‘requirements’ are not met we get disappointed and hurt.

 

God on the other hand looks at us very differently. He looks at us with expectancy. What is that? Well, He created us and knows our humanity. He knows that we may not get it right the first time yet He still has hope that one day we will get there. When we don’t get there He smiles, forgives and says maybe tomorrow. He looks at us in love and with the knowledge that one day we will get it and we will be all He desires of us to be.

 

In view of that, how then do we need to treat one another? I think the way to go is expectancy…meaning that we need to develop a never ending belief that it will be well and all will work out fine. I am learning every day that when I don’t put my expectations on others I am better able to have peace and joy all the time. However, I desire to move from expectation to expectancy, I must deal with myself and what I don’t like about me. I am forced to look at myself and deal with the issues that arise from the waiting and the attitudes I have inadvertently created in my heart, for I cannot give what I don’t have.

 

It is often easier said than done but I know that with God all things are possible and I will be in the space one day that  will not load expectations on people rather I will live with an open, warm and expectant heart that allows everyone to be themselves and free me to be happy and loving life.

 

Papa how I desire a heart like yours and love that is deep and wide as mine has failed me time and time again. I know it is part of a process and the process at times scares me to follow yet I want to believe that you are all I need and will ever need. 

My new Boyfriend

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I have lived a life with few expectations of people but as I have grown up (hehehe), I have found that it is difficult to live that way all the days of your life. I was always the eternal friend who you can call after two years and we will pick up from where we left off. It worked for many years but not so well anymore. In the process of being so good for everyone I found great emptiness and loneliness beyond belief. However, I had never really thought about it or processed the feelings because I was so busy doing stuff for different people and working at making it in life that I did not have the time or presence of mind to see it.

 

One day a while back I woke up to the realisation that my heart is empty because I had given everything that was in me and never stopped to be replenished. I was like a driver who kept driving without thought of checking the fuel gauge then somewhere on the highway in the middle of nowhere the car runs out of fuel and dies. The only way I could have remained full is if I had remembered to refill. Not only had I not refuelled but I had lost some real friends along the way.

 

Expectations taint every relationship we have and affect our ability to be close to people. We need to give and get out of relationships and to get on well in life. So why is it that we only look for people when we are need help but do not take time to develop and sustain relationships all year round? Who are the people destined to walk with me and help me make impact in this life? I believe that friends are sent by God for a reason and our relationships will change as life goes on but we will only live well if we stick to God’s plan for us.

 

Are you like me? Have you felt lost, lonely and alone? I am finding that talking to God has directed me to adapt to the change in relationships and recognise who needs to stay and who needs to go. I have also learnt that I only have to be close to whomever God has directed me to and let all the others go. Letting go was so hard because I was comfortable to have many friends but what value had they added to my life?

 

I have found a new boyfriend who sticks closer than a brother and is not a man that He should lie or the son on man that He should change His mind. He is not judgmental and allows me to be me. When I do something He doesn’t like we talk about it and rectify things. I have learnt a lot about me by being with Him and we have a rich relationship.

 

His name is Jesus, son of the Living God and I am blessed to have Him as a friend and brother. Do you know Him? Take your time it is worth it and then some…